The Etiquette Factory Blog

Funeral Etiquette

2012-02-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

Hi friends. Please don’t be alarmed at our subject matter this month. Although it might not be our favorite topic, I know that this is very important and sometimes knowing a few skills can help all of us feel more comfortable when we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations. How many of us have experienced the situation where someone we know has lost a loved one and we don’t quite know what we should do? Should we call? Should we send flowers? Should we take over food? What? Let’s talk about it.

First, I would like to share a quick story before I list a few helpful hints. Several years ago I had a friend whose husband died very tragically and suddenly. He was very young. I wasn’t super close to this lady, but our children were good friends. When I heard, I was of course so saddened and shocked that I couldn’t even fathom what she must be going through. So...I picked up the phone to call her. I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was. She didn’t answer so I just left a message on her voicemail. I can’t remember what I said, but I remember just wanting her to know how my heart ached for her and her family and that I would be spending time on my knees in her behalf. That’s all I knew to say. I assumed that she was surrounded by family and friends and probably was being well cared for. To my surprise, a couple of months after this incident, I was speaking to her one day and she said to me, “Monica, do you realize that you were the only person that called me?” I was completely shocked. I didn’t understand and my heart hurt even worse for her. Now please don’t think I’m telling you this so you can “pat” me on the back and say “Good job Monica.” Not at all. As I’ve thought about this over the years, I’ve realized that the reason they didn’t call is not because they didn’t care, but because they didn’t know how. They were afraid they would say the wrong thing, or not know what to say and then it would be awkward, etc. etc. I realized that day, how important it was to forget about my own comfort level, my own fears, my own inhibitions and just reach out. We don’t have to know what to say. We don’t have to have all the answers. We don’t have to have ANY answers. But we do have to let others know that we care and the only way to do that is to ACT.

Here are a few etiquette suggestions that I think may help:
Sending a card quickly is a wonderful way to express your condolences. It shows you took the time out of your day to send a few words of encouragement and love.
Check the obituary or contact the funeral home to find out the details of the services. This way the family is not burdened with so many questions about the schedule.
Honor flower/donation request. If a family requests a donation to a charitable organization in lieu of flowers, it is important to honor the family’s wishes; otherwise, it is customary to send flowers for the service.
Show your support by offering to do things for the family like; volunteer to pick up their dry cleaning, shop for groceries, deliver meals, help out with household chores. You can also make necessary phone calls or volunteer to stay at their house and receive guests and food while the family members make arrangements at the funeral home or cemetery.
Wear Proper Funeral Attire. It’s important to dress appropriately for the service. While there is no longer a requirement to wear all black, it is always safe to wear conservative clothing in dark or neutral colors.
Arrive Early. Make sure you arrive 15 minutes before the service begins. Remember to turn off all cell phones and all electronic devices.
Turn on your Headlights if you are part of the funeral procession.
If a funeral procession is passing you, it is polite to pull to the side of the road until the entire procession is past.
Make sure and check in on the family a couple of days after the services. Now is a better time for longer conversations and words of empathy and encouragement.
Remember it is more important to listen than to talk. Usually, during these difficult times, what you do is so much more important than what you say. Listen, hug, share a cry, pray with them and simply offer your friendship and love.
Some suggested things to say; “I’m sorry for your loss,” “You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers,” “I’m here for you,” “Please accept my sympathy.”
There are some things, inappropriate to say. Although they may be true, it is the family’s decision to reach to these conclusions. For instance, “They’re in a better place,” “At least they’re no longer suffering,” “We should rejoice for their deliverance.”

Overall, just remember that a true friend is there to bear one another’s burdens, to mourn with those that mourn, to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and to lift those down trodden. Be sincere. Just be there.

Have a great month,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Some of the above suggestions came from the Berry Funeral Home Website.

Fitness Center Etiquette

2012-01-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

OK people...let’s get down to business. I thought that since we’re all motivated to work out 7 days a week for 2 hours a day, being the first of the year and all, we might want to review a few etiquette skills for the gym. To those of you who have already cut back to once per week for 20 minutes, I probably wouldn’t worry about etiquette but rather commitment. Regardless, let’s review for the fun of it.

Please refrain from using your cellphone in the gym. Here’s a couple of reasons: #1, IT’S DISTRACTING! When others are trying to focus on running, weightlifting, watching aerobic steps or trying to breath in yoga class, they don’t want to hear a conversation about your neighbors’ dog or your husband’s socks or anything. #2 Because since most cell phones now have cameras on them, it’s just simply not appropriate; not in the gym and most definitely not in the locker room, period.

Let’s talk hygiene. Please don’t go to the gym if you have a bad cough or sneezing situation. Every single person working out around someone coughing and sneezing is thinking, “GERMS” and it grosses us out. Now let’s talk sweat. Realizing that most of us sweat and that’s the whole idea of working out, let’s make sure however, that our smell doesn’t go beyond our body. Meaning, if you come to the gym already smelling bad, please shower before you go into the workout areas and cause discomfort to everyone around you. Just try to be mindful of your smell (use deodorant). Lastly, always wipe down your machine, especially if you were sweating while using it. This helps all of us cut down on germs.

Please dress appropriately. What does this mean? It means do not wear loose, wide-leg shorts that show all your “business.” We don’t need to see that. Women, be aware of your “business” too. Going to the gym is not about what you can show, but about what you can accomplish.

When you’re in the locker room, can we say “TOWEL” people??? OK, so I realize that men are sometimes more comfortable with their bodies than women, but it is not polite to assume that everyone in your company is comfortable with seeing all your birthmarks. Remember, proper etiquette is about helping those around you to feel valued and comfortable. This is kind of hard when someone in the locker room comes up to you to speak about carpooling or the latest stock market numbers in their birthday suit. I can’t concentrate in these conditions people. I beg of you to put a towel on!!!!!

Please no urinating in the gym shower. Need I say more? I recommend flip flops for the rest of us.

Let’s speak for a moment about groaning and grunting. :) All I want to say is that it’s OK to do, unless it sounds like the scene of a bedroom instead of the gym. Let’s keep these noises under control.

Please no spitting in the water fountain. YUCK!!! I won’t describe what I saw once in a water fountain. I’m not sure whoever deposited it there meant for it to come out when they spit, but.....IT DID.

It’s not polite to correct someone’s form or style of exercise unless they ask for your help.

If you decide to work out with your significant other, please remember to keep your eyes on your weights.....or your significant other.

Please try not to “hog” a machine, especially in busy times. If you are determined to stay on the stair climber for 1 hour, then consider going to the gym during the “off time.” Usually, 30 minutes is the maximum time to use a machine when others are waiting.

Please put away workout equipment after use. This is considerate to others who will come behind you making it easy for them to find the equipment.

OK, I’ll stop. I think that’s enough to help all of our gym experiences to go more smoothly. If we’re blessed enough to be able to work out at a gym, let’s be considerate, kind and aware as we enjoy this privilege. 2012, here we come!

Have a great month,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Don't Embarrass Our Children

2011-12-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

Hello Parents! It's Christmas time in Tennessee. Yeah!! I pray that your holidays are everything you want them to be. Mostly, I pray that you find yourself counting your many blessings and feeling grateful for the goodness in the world. I want to talk about how we interact with our children this month. I know we’ve touched on this subject before, but I feel that we can’t speak of it enough. As I have been visiting the malls, restaurants and busy areas this Holiday season, I have heard many comments that sting my heart. So here we go.

I was standing speaking to a lady as her children were standing behind her. The children became a little noisy (I thought perfectly acceptable since the mom and I had been yapping for sometime), but the mom turned to her children and said in a very frustrated tone, “Why are you all so rude? Can I not have one conversation without my children acting like wild animals?” Her children just looked down, obviously humiliated, and then she turned to finish the conversation with me. She then said to me, “My children sometimes have manners but you would never know it today. They embarrass me quite often.” I told her I was impressed that her children stood quietly as long as they did and quickly told her I must hurry off. We then went our separate ways. Now before you say, “What’s the big deal?” let me plead my case. It is never, never, never OK to embarrass or humiliate our children, especially in front of others. I know we’ve spoken about not correcting our children in front of others, but that also means we never speak anything but praises about our children to others when our children are present.

This world we and our children live in today is not always the nicest place with the nicest people. I know that our children are faced almost every day with ugliness, rudeness, teasing, bullying, and many more unpleasant things. It is our obligation and pleasure to everyday think of how we can “build up” our children. One way we do this is always speaking kindly of them to others. Now I don’t mean that you’re going to go around “bragging all day” about all your child’s accomplishments but YES, let your children hear you praise them. NEVER tell others when your children our present of how you are disappointed or frustrated with them. These conversations should be private between you and your children in the spirit of correction with love. Remember, it’s OK to correct, but it must be done in private.

I’ve heard moms say in front of their children things like:

“Oh, he’s not my smartest child.” or
“I do wish she didn’t have her grandmother’s nose.” or
“He’s not very athletic but we’re hoping he excels in music.” or
“She can be very manipulative, but we’re really watching her these days.”

Please stop!!!! Please don’t ever speak unkindly or announce your children’s faults in the presence of your children. Children want others to believe that they are perfect in the eyes of their parents. They know they’re not really perfect and they know that you know they’re not, but it is a betrayal if a parent announces these hurtful comments in front of their children.

We have to guard our children’s hearts as if they are the most special, the most fragile, and the most lovely thing about our children. Please be so careful with your words. I am guilty of this blunder myself as I’m sure we all are. Let’s just be more careful and strive to find and announce all our children’s strengths, so that they know we love them and that we are so proud of them. This gives them the confidence they need to face the world. As we strive to build them up, they will strive to continue to please us. It’s the true nature of parent/children relationships.

Have a great month!
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Holiday Party Etiquette

2011-10-14T18:47:00.000-04:00

It’s time to review some basic etiquette skills for the sake of your reputation and professional future. Trust me when I say I have experience with this (not providing any further details). As we go over party etiquette, please think of how you can apply these skills to both your company holiday parties as well as family “get-to-gathers.” Obviously, there would be some adjustment and some irrelevant information for one or the other, but generally, the same principles apply. Here we go:

Everything in moderation--Remember, a lady and a gentleman, never draw attention to themselves. This would include overindulging in our dress, eating, drinking, dancing, flirting or any other behavior that we can become the “center of attention.” Think “CLASS,” think “HONOR,” think “DO I WANT TO BE THE STORY TOMORROW?” With these things in mind, I think you’ll be fine.
Dress appropriate for the occasion. The way we dress sends a message to those in attendance; how we feel about the occasion and how we value our time there. Consider what message you want to send to your family, co-workers or even your boss.
Never ask if you can bring someone to the party unless the host included “...and guest,” on the invitation or personally told you to please feel free to bring along a friend with you. This is a big NO, NO!!!!
Make sure we honor the host by being on time and leaving on time. First rule of etiquette...BE ON TIME!
Be sure to thank the host who coordinated the party. For family gatherings, it is very polite to take a gift to the host: a plant, a book, a candle, a cookbook, etc. Just something small, but something that shows the host you were thinking of them and appreciate their generosity in hosting the event.
If you’re the host, a few things to remember to make your guest feel comfortable are:

Send invitations at least 3 weeks ahead of time (6 weeks if going to “out of town” guest)
Include directions in the invitation
Include the “dress” if a company gathering
Inform guest if it is OK to bring a guest
Be aware of community events that might affect attendance (LIKE THE TENNESSEE/FLORIDA GAME---HELLO!!!)
It is the host’s responsibility to make sure that all your guest makes it home safely. Meaning, if a guest has had too much alcohol to drink, make arrangements to get them home

Remember CONVERSATION ETIQUETTE. OK People, now listen. I’m not sure why this is an issue that we must discuss on a regular basis, but...I feel obligated for the sake of all our sensitive ears. A few things to remember when speaking to others, especially at holiday functions (remember, The Happy Times), are:

Keep the conversation positive
No, they don’t want to hear about your latest Hernia
Don’t speak unkindly of others, ESPECIALLY YOUR FAMILY (ETIQUETTE RULE BREAKER NUMBER 336)
Don’t tell a story that last longer than 5 minutes---Period!
Yes, it’s OK to tell a few things about your children’s accomplishments this year, however, this should only take a couple of minutes. You’re family is not writing an essay on the life and success of your little 2 year old Brewster.
Ask questions. Great conversation happens when both parties make inquiries about the other person. This shows your care and concern for those you speak with. It sends the message, “I am interested in you and your life.”

Be gracious. Please no foul language, no vulgar or racist jokes (it’s not funny), no human noises (I’m talking to you DAD), no teasing others. Teasing is actually a big deal. You know that uncle who always wanted to know how many boys you kissed this past year. UGH!!! This is not cool, and more importantly, not polite.
Never say or do anything that would embarrass another person at the party.
Compliment others
And finally, Remember...what’s happening today, is what’s happening tomorrow on FACEBOOK. Beware!!

Have a great Thanksgiving. I love this country. I love my family. I love being an American. I love our American history. Learn about it and you will better enjoy this sacred holiday for our country.

Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

True Etiquette/Being Positive

2011-09-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

What a beautiful month we have to look forward to. I love this time of year and yes, I even love football. When I look around and see the beauty of fall, feel the crispness in the air, and hear the geese beginning their journey south, I’m reminded of how blessed we are to live in this great country. I love the seasons, the beauty of the earth and the goodness of people. Well, I know it sounds like I’m being all happy and joyful right now and actually, there’s a reason for this behavior. Did you know that it is polite to be positive, which means it is impolite to be negative. Well....it is!

Sometimes, I want to shout at the top of my lungs to certain people to, “Stop Complaining!!!!!” Yes, I know things are hard and difficult and uncertain right now and I’m feeling those things too, but how in the world does it help any of us to go around complaining, whining and fussing about all the gloom and doom in the world? It helps nothing. I know that there are people who suffer at a level that I cannot even relate to and never will. My heart hurts knowing others have to suffer so. However, I know that in order to help uplift each other and support each other, we have got to become more positive.

We Americans, forget too easily the blessings we enjoy. We are becoming so hard and cynical towards our elected officials, our way of life, our future. Yes, of course we’ve got problems, some very big ones, but let’s stop complaining and let’s become a part of the solution.

Ladies and gentleman are:

people who look for the positive in all things
people who see adversity and know that this is a time to triumph
people who refuse to give up, complain or fail
people who are more concerned with their neighbors’ troubles, than their own
people who smile regardless of their day, so that they can help others to feel safe and comforted
people who look at troubled times as an opportunity to show compassion
people who ask themselves, “What can I do to change this situation?” and then do it
people who ask themselves, “What can’t I change in this situation?” and then forget it
people who know that greatness comes from trying
people who know that a positive attitude can not only change your day, but the day of everyone around you

May we all strive to be more positive and more cheerful. Remember, true etiquette comes when our focus is on lifting those around us.

Happy thoughts,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

What is Manners

2011-08-16T11:16:00.000-04:00

Hello. Welcome to The Etiquette Factory, a blog written for the purpose of helping you teach your children great manners to ensure your child’s future success. Why Etiquette? I bet if we asked our children if they can remember a time when they felt embarrassed, they could probably remember more than once. Next, if we asked them how did the people around them respond, we would get answers like; laughed at, pointed at, ridiculed but hopefully some support as well. Making people feel comfortable is a big reason we use good manners. Another great reason for learning good manners is that it shows you are concerned about other people and you care about their feelings. Remember when you tripped and fell while walking down the hall at school (some of us do)? If those around us had been taught in the “art of etiquette”, they would have known that the appropriate response was to bend down and offer help. Next, they might have said something like, “I’m sorry you fell, you should have seen the skid marks I left the last time I fell”. They would have know that proper etiquette means helping others feel comfortable and by doing, feelings of empathy, personal characteristics such as integrity and sincerity begin to grow and expand into feelings of self worth and self confidence. I promise you, that as we train our children in the art of etiquette, we will see qualities like; integrity, empathy, compassion, sincerity and self worth accumulate into their character, which will help them on the road to a successful life both personally and professionally. Join me, as we discuss lessons on etiquette and great ideas to reinforce these lessons in your home without “nagging” on our children. Games, role playing and kind discussion are at the heart of teaching. Join me next month for Introductions and Greetings.

Have a great week,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Proper Behavior as a School Parent

2011-08-16T11:10:00.000-04:00

Proper Etiquette While Being a School Parent

Attention Parents of School Children; this is for us. Thanks to many teachers from Local Schools, we now have a great list of etiquette reminders, so that when engaging, helping and visiting our children’s schools, we can be sure that we are a blessing and a help to our children’s teachers instead of the opposite. Need I say more? So, here we go.

Please, when writing your child’s teacher a note, let’s not write on the wrapper of a Subway bag. This does not show proper thought and preparation to discuss the matter at hand.
Oh my! Please let’s not send handfuls of quarters delivered by sticky “paws” to pay for the field trip costing $10.75. Let’s be more considerate of our teacher’s time.
Please send in the exact amount needed for a field trip or item. The school or teacher does not keep change on hand so please do not send in a $20.00 bill if the needed amount is different than that.
Let’s not send blank checks with your child to your school. We should all know the name of our child’s school (well maybe in a perfect world), so just go ahead and fill out the check completely.
It’s not polite to open the classroom door and quietly creep across the room to give wee Mary Margaret Cindy Lu a hug and positive vibes to help her throughout the day. This inevitably disturbs the rest of the classroom and causes the teacher to develop a nervous tic.
The day of a field trip is very hectic. Let’s not “hang out” in our child’s classroom the hour before the field trip as this causes even more chaos in the classroom. Just simply wait in the car or the lobby.
It’s not polite to bring fast food to school for lunch for your child. It’s against the nutrition policy for most schools and is not thoughtful for the other students having to, I mean getting to, eat school lunch.
Teacher’s time is so valuable, as is all of our time. Let’s not grab our teacher for just a “quick minute,” but instead, schedule a teacher conference.
Please don’t walk your child to the classroom if late. Just simply let your child check into the office and then walk themselves to their classroom. The less disruption to the class, the better.
Sometimes things happen and we are late picking up our child from school. Hopefully, it’s a rare occasion. However, it we are late, it is polite to apologize to the teacher that has to stay late too and miss working time in the classroom. Remember, proper etiquette means we strive to always be on time. Usually when we are late, we cause interruption in someone else’s schedule. Just be considerate of this.
Be very cautious when you are in the hallways at your child’s school and speak in soft hushed tones. If you need to take a phone call, step outside.
Let’s remember, a lady never dresses in a way that brings attention to herself. If we are true ladies, we want the attention to be on those around us. With this in mind, let’s be mindful of the way in which we dress when attending our child’s school. Tennis outfits, immodest attire and other clothing that is not appropriate for a school setting, should not be worn inside the school.
Today, teachers are feeling more pressure than ever, yet teachers are often not enjoying the benefits of being duly compensated. So, let’s make every effort to show our gratitude to our teachers by saying, “Thank you” often and helping our teachers as often as we can.
A great way to support our teachers is to make sure we are fully engaged in our children’s education. This means we need to know what’s going on and what they’re studying. We need to work with our children in the academic subjects that need improvement. We need to help our children become responsible in keeping up with their assignments, goals and projects.
Finally, let’s be polite, courteous and gracious at all times with our teachers. Yes, there may be occasions when we disagree with a grade, an assignment, or perhaps a disciplinarian action, however we can show respect and integrity when we approach our teachers assuming each other’s intentions are always with the student’s best interest at heart.

Let’s have a great school year and let’s use our manners in and out of our schools.

Have a great month,
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

Unwanted Physical Contact

2011-05-24T13:20:00.000-04:00

Let’s get on to our subject this month. The topic comes as a result of an experience I had a month ago. I was in Cincinnati speaking to a group of about 500 teenagers (because I’m on a mission). After I spoke, I had 4 teenage girls come up to be separately and asked me the same question. I was really surprised that four different girls would have the same question. That’s when I knew we had a problem and it’s was time to solve it. The question was, “What do I do when a boy or man tries to hug me and I don’t want to be hugged?” These four girls all had personal experiences where a man or boy tried to show physical affection to them in the form of a hug. Interestingly, all four girls each admitted that they didn’t think the show of affection was of any inappropriate nature. They just simply did not feel comfortable with it. So, let’s learn the etiquette rule. It is not polite for a gentleman to show physical affection to a lady without permission or without it being requested in casual relationships.

What does this mean? It means that men, young or old, should never approach a lady and offer physical contact without the lady initiating the contact. For instance, when a gentleman and a lady meet for the first time, it is the ladies’ decision whether to extend her hand and shake hands with the gentleman. If the lady does not extend her hand, then the gentleman simply stands with his hands to his side and nods his head while he verbalizes the introduction.

This also means that gentlemen never just go up and hug a lady, young or old. Realizing that most hugs are just friendly ways to show our affection and admiration for others, it is simply not appropriate for a man or boy to initiate this behavior. One of the girls I previously spoke about, told me that her preacher often hugged members of the congregation, and that when he approached her, she was embarrassed to tell him that she wasn’t comfortable with hugs, especially when everyone else seemed OK with it. Think about the deli-ma that we place young girls and women in. All our lives as women, we are encouraged to be polite, to not hurt other’s feelings, to be sensitive to others. Yet, we’re expected to know how to handle it when we’re placed in an uncomfortable situation, and not be rude. What are we supposed to do?

We can start by teaching our boys and reminding our gentlemen of this etiquette rule. I realize that they’re probably aren’t many men or young teens who wish to cause young ladies discomfort. It’s usually just a man’s way of being friendly. I have recently had to have this same conversation with my own teenage son. I was so glad that these young girls brought up this deli-ma to give us a chance to talk about it and make sure that we are all sensitive to it. Physical affection is meant to shared between more intimate relationships. I’m not saying it’s rude to hug others. I personally love hugs. However, we have to make sure that we recognize that although we may be comfortable with an in-particular behavior, that doesn’t mean everyone else is and if we’re trying to have proper etiquette, then are focus is always on helping others to feel comfortable.

If you’re wondering what my advice to the young ladies was, I told them that the next time a gentleman tried to hug them unannounced or unwelcomed, to simply turn, pop up a “high five” and say, “You know, a ‘high-five’ is good enough for me.” Hopefully, they’ll get the message.
Have a great month. Don’t you be hugging people who don’t want your ‘stinkin’ hugs.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Teaching Respect for Nature

2011-03-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

Hello My Army of Parents,

Spring is in the air and there is no better time to help our children see and recognize the beauty of the earth and what's around them, so that they can learn how to show respect for their surroundings. This is a very important etiquette skill and one that benefits all of society. When Spring comes, we are reminded of the little things that the Lord has created in order for us to enjoy and have beauty around us. We see the delicacy of the flowers, the beautiful fresh green that is only seen in the Spring. We hear the chirping of baby birds and the buzzing of bees. It's really amazing.

As we point out the miracles around us, we help our children recognize this beauty as gifts, as special things that should be admired and appreciated. Hear is an example of a conversation with a young child.

"Wow. Stand still for a moment. Close your eyes. What do you hear? Do you hear happy sounds or sad sounds? Yes, they sound very happy. Now open your eyes. What do you see? What colors do you see? What shapes do you see? Have you ever seen a picture with so many colors as what your eyes see at this very moment? How happy it makes me to see such beauty. How happy it makes me feel when things are fresh, new, clean and vibrant. Sometimes, we can be careless with the beauty of the earth. Sometimes, we aren't careful with where we put our trash, or where we step or what we leave behind. If everyone was careless, what would this world look like? Think for a moment, what if we walked out of our house one morning and our yard was covered in trash? How would it make us feel? Yes, angry. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. We would wonder, who would do such a thing? Who would be so inconsiderate as to place trash on our yard. It's our yard. We love our yard. We want it to be nice, so that we can run and play in our yard. We want it to be clean, so it's attractive and a place we can enjoy. Every place on this earth is someone's yard, someone's street, someone's sidewalk, someone's flower bed. We must be considerate of the earth, so that we all might enjoy it. Let's try harder to be careful that we leave the earth just like we find it. Let's help to beautify our surroundings to show our gratitude for
nature and all its splendor."

As parents, never miss an opportunity to point out the wonders of nature. Stop and admire the sunset, the rainbow, the storm cloud. As we continually show our admiration and love for nature, our children will develop this same appreciation. This increases our love for the earth which is what encourages respect, care and responsibility. It's hard to expect our children to behave with respect towards anything that they have not developed a love for.

Have a beautiful week,
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

Correcting with Respect

2011-03-15T17:36:00.000-04:00

This month, I would like to discuss the etiquette skill of correcting our children. What? You didn’t know there was an etiquette skill involved in this? Well, there is. Let’s review our definition of proper etiquette for those new readers who may be joining us. Proper etiquette is defined as, “helping those around us to feel more valued and more comfortable.” With this definition in mind, it is important that we not only apply it to those outside of our families, but that we apply it with our most treasured relationships, our families. As we do so, it will help us establish more loving relationships, including the relationships we have with our children. Now before I go on, I do not wish to address the controversial topic of discipline. That is a subject I leave to the judgment, wisdom and love of parents. However, I do wish to discuss how we approach and carryout whatever discipline we choose to use.

If you remember, we have discussed before that it is not polite to correct others in front of others. This means that we never “call out” someone in public, or in front of others, because this might embarrass or belittle them. If a correction is in need, we simply wait for the opportunity when we can pull the person aside and in private, politely give the correction. This same principle applies to our children. WE NEVER WANT TO EMBARRASS OUR CHILDREN. Now hold on. Breathe.....Let’s discuss the solution to this dilemma. Do our children sometimes need correcting when we are in public? Do chickens lay eggs? Of course they do. Sometimes those little angels of ours are worse than a tic on a hound, however, we must do our best to show complete respect and honor to our children. Please, please don’t ever yell, spank, criticize, etc. your children in the presence of others, even their siblings. This means that you have to separate yourself and your child and administer the correction in private. Sometimes, due to the safety of your other children, you cannot separate yourself at the time. In that case, you will simply have to pull your child to the side and quietly acknowledge that the correction will happen at a later time.

I know I’m suggesting something that will be difficult at times. I had all boys in my home, so trust me when I say that this takes great self control and patience. I can promise you however, that as we make an effort to show respect to our children by striving to protect their dignity, our children’s love and respect for us will increase as well. As our children realize that correcting them comes from love and devotion, instead of anger and frustration, they will learn to honor our words and our actions. No, of course it doesn’t mean they will always love or enjoy being corrected, but they will know that we correct because we love them.

As we consider ways that we can show our children love and respect, I think it will help to simply consider how we would want someone to correct us. Just because they’re children, doesn’t mean that we have a license to embarrass or humiliate them, regardless of their behavior. It’s the principle of two wrongs, don’t make a right. I think this is a topic worth spending some time pondering and considering. Some day, our children will ponder our parenting when they are making decisions for their own children. I hope we leave them a legacy of trust, honor, love and encouragement as we help shape their precious lives.

Have a great month.
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Taking Advantage: A Form of Dishonesty

2011-02-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

This is a subject that gets me a little "hot under the collar," if you know what I mean: taking advantage of others. As I hope we understand by now, true etiquette means being considerate of others. Taking advantage of someone else is the most impolite behavior one can demonstrate. As I've stated before, I think it is so important that we are very detail oriented when trying to teach our children important principles. For instance, when trying to teach our children to be honest, it's important that we use many examples, so that our children understand that dishonesty is more that not telling a lie. Taking advantage of another person, or a situation is a form of dishonestly. Let's make sure our children understand the different "looks" of dishonesty, so that they can pride themselves in striving to be honest and polite in every way.

So often, we get upset with our children, because they do not react or behave in a certain way. We assume that if we’ve told them to be polite, that they know what’s not polite. However, I’ve learned that if we want a certain behavior, it’s helpful to make sure we have given our children the tools, the words, the understanding, so they know exactly what is expected of them and why it is to their advantage when they meet those expectations.

“Taking advantage,” a form of dishonesty, can be demonstrated in many different circumstances. I will mention a few examples. When we take advantage of someone due to their lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence, lack of understanding, or lack of means (abilities), we are in the wrong. When we take advantage of someone due to their weakened emotional state, extreme compassion or any other condition that makes them vulnerable (weak) in making a logical and sensible decision, we are in the wrong. For instance, asking our grandma, who has a very difficult time telling her grandchildren “No,” to buy us an expensive item (even though we know she does not have a lot of money), is taking advantage of her. Likewise, when someone gives us too much back in “change” after a transaction, failing to give the money back or to inform the person of their error is taking advantage of their lack of knowledge or awareness. Once again, this type of behavior is impolite and shows poor character. Yet another example occurs when we do not disclose all relevant information that someone would need to make a proper decision. An example of this would be failing to give our parents all the details of a planned “outing” with friends. This is taking advantage and is a form of dishonesty.

This can be a very informative and interesting discussion with your children. Most children think that being dishonest is telling a lie. However, as we age and mature, hopefully, we understand that dishonestly can be exhibited in many forms. Discuss with your children using many examples of different forms of dishonesty such as taking advantage of others, withholding information, being secretive, avoiding responsibilities, etc. Allow your children to discuss and understand why these behaviors are examples of dishonesty and the opposite of proper manners.

Love those children by teaching them correct principles. Have a great month.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
President/The Etiquette Factory

Etiquette Factory Educator

2011-02-04T09:27:00.001-05:00

Hello Friends,
Welcome back. It's been such an exciting month at The Etiquette Factory, it's hard for me not to talk about what's been happening. January launched our Etiquette Educator's Opportunity. What's this? Well, it's an exciting new opportunity for anyone who has an interest in children, teaching and making great money. The field of Etiquette Educators is growing everyday. Our whole world is seeing the need to have proper manners training at the forefront of a proper education.

You can join us today and become the first Etiquette Factory Educator in your area. You will soon become your communities leading resource in manners training. You can teach in so many different arenas, like; daycares, pre-schools, summer camps, girl scout troops, church youth groups, adult social clubs, and the list goes on and on. Find out today if becoming an Etiquette Factory Educator is right for you. Go to: www.TheEtiquetteFactory.com/educators. You will be thrilled by the opportunities.

Have a great week,
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

When To Send Thank You Notes

2011-01-24T15:08:00.001-05:00

Hello Friends,
I think everyone is feeling the winter blues right now. It takes a conserted effort this time of year to put smiles on our faces, think warm happy thoughts, and try not to be "grouchy." To help us focus on the positives in our lives right now, let's think of someone we could send a thank-you card to. Sometimes, we make the mistake of thinking that the only time we send thank-you cards is when we receive a gift from someone. Well sure, that's a great time, but it's even more gratifying when we receive a thank-you card for other reasons. Please allow me to suggest some other reasons that we might want to send someone a thank-you card, and I hope you will choose at least one idea to send a card to someone special today. There's no doubt, if you do, you will brighten someone else's day. What a great reward.

Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for being a great mom or dad
Thank you for listening
Thank you for spending time with me
Thank you for always being honest with me
Thank you for being my teacher
Thank you for being a good example
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you, thank you, thank you

There's so many reasons to be grateful for others. I hope this helps, and I hope you get those little pens busy writing.

Have a great week,

Mary Manners

Etiquette In Conversation

2011-01-14T17:46:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends,
Christmas and the Holidays sure put everything else on hold. I love to put life aside for one month and focus on family, friends and the gift of Christmas. On to etiquette.

With all the parties, celebrations and such through the holidays, I was reminded more than once on the need to understand etiquette while in conversation. There are actually many etiquette rules to consider, but let's just focus on one today; "Balance in Conversation." This seems to be one that many people find the most annoying, so let's make sure we understand it.

It is polite to simply takes turns when speaking to others. I'm not saying to walk around with a stop watch in your pocket, announcing when someone's turn is up, but I am saying that we should be aware of how long we speak. For instance, if we speak for about 5 minutes about our vacation we took last week, it's time to end our summary and ask the person we're with if they've been on any fun trips lately.

Let's make sure we aren't conversations "hoggers." This makes others more likely to run when they see us coming, and hit "silent" when they see our number on their telephone.

Enjoy your conversations by taking turns.

Yours truly,
Mary Manners

Candy Cane Cookies

2010-12-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

Yummy! This is my fave of all times! I love almond flavoring and peppermint and sugar all mixed together. Don't let these scare you because they might look difficult. They're really not. Basically, it's a sugar cookie recipe with a little extra. Then, you're making balls and rolling. Pretty simple. Here's the recipe. These freeze really well, so you can make up to three months before Christmas. (The picture above is missing the sprinkles on top which are really important, see recipe below).

Candy Cane Cookies

1 c. shortening (half butter)
1 c. sifted confectioners’ sugar
1 egg
1 1/2 tsp. almond extract
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 1/2 c. all purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp. red food coloring
1/2 c. crushed (really fine) peppermint candy
1/2 c. granulated sugar

Directions
Heat oven to 375. Mix shortening, sugar, egg and flavoring thoroughly. Mix flour and salt: stir into shortening mixture. Divide dough in half. Blend food coloring into one half. Refrigerate overnight before rolling out. **Hint** Only take out a little dough at a time to work with because the dough is much easier to roll when it's cold.

Take 1 heavy tsp of dough and roll into ball. Then, roll the ball into a 4 inch strip from each color. Roll smooth, even strips. Place them side by side and twist together like a rope. Roll one cookie at a time so dough doesn’t dry out. Shape into candy cane on cookie sheet. Bake about 9 minutes. Immediately after bringing out of oven, sprinkle with mixture of peppermint and sugar (1 to 1 ratio).

Dinner with Food Only

2010-12-07T09:57:00.002-05:00

Hello Friends,
Here's another great activity that my family still begs to do again. I'll tell you how we did it, but obviously, the sky is the limit with what you could serve and do. I told my family that we were having a very special dinner, where we would practice our etiquette skills. They hear this from me a lot, so really no big surprise. I allowed them to watch me prepare in the kitchen; getting out the china, the linen, etc. I did purchase a white plastic tablecloth and placed it on our dining room table, which my husband thought was a bit strange (plastic, really?). When it was finally time to eat, I instructed everyone into the dining room to be seated. The menu was:

Spaghetti
Salad
Brownies and Ice Cream

I brought our first course out on my beautiful silver tray. There were no plates, bowls, or silverware on the table. I asked my dear husband, "Salad sir?" He said, "Yes." So, I then proceeded to drop salad onto the table in front of him. After a good pile was formed, I asked, "What type of dressing sir?" Ranch was his reply. So, I then poured ranch dressing on his salad. I also dropped some bacon bits, croutons and nuts onto his beautiful salad. The kids were dying. After serving everyone their beautiful salad, I then instructed them to begin eating. "With what?" was their reply. "I don't know, but figure it out," was my reply. We went on to eat spaghetti, and brownies and ice cream in the same manner; no plates, no silverware, no napkins. It was a blast! And believe it or not, my floor was clean after-wards. That was one of the rules. We laughed a lot and became very creative with the best technique to get the most amount of food into our mouths at a time. Great etiquette skill.

Making memories. That's what it's all about. Cut loose and have some fun.
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

Taking the Last Bite, Should I?

2010-11-30T19:19:00.002-05:00

Here's just a little lesson that's good to review with our children, before they find themselves faced with this situation. I find that if I discuss with my children ahead of time (not in the moment), they are much more likely to listen and to ponder what has been said.

Proper Etiquette regarding taking the last piece or bite of something is simply; ask first. Have you ever been “eyeing” the last piece of chocolate pie and wondering whether you should go for it or not. Well, it’s OK if you do, but the polite thing is to ask if anyone else would like it, before you take it. For instance, “If no one is going to eat this last piece of pie, I would love to have it,” or, “I would be willing to share.” Most people, unless it’s your brother, are going to say, “No, you go ahead and enjoy it.” People appreciate so much your willingness to ask before you take, that they usually allow you to have it, even though they might love it themselves. This rule applies to everything, whether it’s the last piece of cake, the last piece of pizza, or the last piece of gum. It’s amazing the payoffs that happen when we use proper etiquette. Another consideration is asking for "seconds." Remember, that when you’re in your own home, it is perfectly polite to ask if you may have "seconds." However, when you are a guest in someone’s home, it is impolite to ask for "seconds"; wait until you’re offered "seconds," and then it’s perfectly OK.

Now that my children understand this, are any of you willing to explain this to my husband? Let me know if you have any suggestions for this problem. I give up:)

Monica, a.k.a. Ms. Mary Manners

Manner's Checklist for Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T09:41:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

OK, so let's not stress. We have grocery shopping to complete, a house to get clean, and children to turn into little angels before Thursday. No worries. We can do this. Right?

OK, so maybe there's reason for a little stress. I can't help you with the shopping or cleaning, so let me help with those little dev...I mean angels. No, we can't completely transform a caterpillar into a butterfly in three days, but these helpful hints will surely get you started. Let's review with our children the following to ensure a happy, joyful and as little embarrassment as possible at the Thanksgiving Dinner Table.

Take a gift to the host. Whether it's your grandmother, your aunt, or a friend, whose home you are visiting for Thanksgiving, make sure everyone has a small token of appreciation in hand. The children actually really enjoy this. It can be a flower, a candle, a special treat or really anything. It's a polite way to show our loved ones how much we appreciate them helping our holidays become special memories.
Make sure everyone is dressed appropriately. Thanksgiving is special. It's a meal that we usually bring out the best china and the linen napkins, and we ensure that the table looks beautiful. To honor such a special occasion, the children should reflect the attitude of the day with appropriate dress. I'm not saying they need to be in their church clothes, but definitely, "dressy casual."
It's not polite to ever announce that we don't like something at the dinner table, but it is especially rude when we are a guest in someone's home. Let's remind our whole family that absolutely never, never announce our dislikes when we are a guest. The polite way to handle turning down food that we do not care for is simply, "No thank you."
Find ways to compliment the host (cook). It's really not easy to prepare a Thanksgiving meal with all the "fixins." Let's give our children an assignment on Thanksgiving, that they have to "hand out" at least 5 sincere compliments on this special day (2 of them going towards the host). This will be a great challenge that will be fun to discuss at the end of the day.
Finally, send thank you cards. This is a great occasion to allow our children to practice the art of sending thank you cards. The day after Thanksgiving, have the whole family sit down and write a little note of appreciation to the host of Thanksgiving. The host is probably in the bed, recuperating, and will surely appreciate the gesture.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are so blessed to live in America! I love our country, my family and especially my Savior. May we all count our many blessings during this week of gratitude.
Sincerely,
Monica

Tardiness is Never Polite

2010-11-15T15:20:00.002-05:00

Here's the Etiquette Lesson for the week: Tardiness is Never Polite.

As most of us moms know, this is very hard. It's not that we mean to be late constantly, but if you've ever had to pack up a baseball team just to run buy milk, you'd understand. Getting to church on time, come on. Are they serious!!! Having to make sure Joey isn't wearing his lawn mowing tennis shoes, Rachel is wearing underwear and I've put on deodorant takes time. And usually, by the time we make sure everyone is "just so," someone has taken something off, spilled something on someone or even become lost themselves. It is difficult. However, with all that said, we must be aware of how our tardiness is perceived by others. When we are late, it sends a message to the ones who have planned the activity that we simply don't care about their time, their schedule or the distraction that our tardiness causes to others. It says loud and clear, "Your time, effort and schedule are simply not of importance to me." It's important that we do our best to be on time. Sure, things are going to happen. But, it doesn't need to become a habit. Proper etiquette means we are always sensitive to others' time and effort, and we try to be respectful of both by showing up "on time." This lesson is definitely for me, too.

Christmas Cookie Favorites

2010-11-15T15:07:00.002-05:00

Good Day to You,
I want to share with you some family secrets. Since I was a little girl, I remember my Grandma, Aunts and Mother, getting together before Christmas (usually starting in October) to make Christmas cookies. They would usually make 2 different kinds of cookies each time they got together and then divide them up into cute Christmas tin cans. Everyone would take their tins home and save for Christmas. I remember opening the freezer and seeing lids that read, "Strawberries," "Nut Rolls," "Candy Canes," etc. My mouth would water, waiting for the big day when we could open all the cans. What a cherished memory this is for me and all my family. So without further ado, here is the first of these cherished recipes. I'll submit one per week until Christmas. This one wins #1 every year.

Nut Rolls

1 1/3 c. sifted self-rising flour
1 unbeaten egg
1/4 c.sugar
1 tsp. almond extract
1/4 c butter
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Mix flour, sugar, egg and butter with electric mixer. Add almond and vanilla. Divide this dough into 4 parts and wrap in wax paper. Chill overnight.

Filling
1 1/4 c. pecans (ground)
1/3 c. sugar
1/16 salt
1 tbsp. butter
2 tbsp. water
1/16 tsp. maple flavoring

Mix ingredients thoroughly and then chill dough overnight. Really easy.

The next day, take out one roll at a time (works better when cold). Roll out dough on floured surface (very thin, about 1/8 - 1/4”). Cut diamond shape (with small diamond shaped cookie cutter). Place 1 tsp or less of nut filling in center of diamond. Roll and place on cookie sheet. Bake 7-10 minutes at 400 degrees

**Hint: The biggest mistake I make with these is, I fill them too full with the nut mixture. Try out a couple before you bake a whole cookie sheet to make sure you have the right amount and that you like the way they turn out. Your pan is also a big deal. You know how some baking pans cook too quickly, burning the bottom of your cookie before the rest is done. Once again, baking just a couple at first will let you know how your pan does and if you need to adjust the temp of oven.

Fighting Negativity

2010-11-11T08:36:00.002-05:00

I think I'm getting more negative as I get older. My head knows, as I've been taught, that being negative is not becoming of a lady, yet...then my day starts. :) I am so blessed. Too blessed to ever have a negative thought or comment for the rest of my life, so how do I make sure I'm not. I don't want my children to hear me gripe or complain, especially about things that don't have eternal consequences. I want them to hear me be grateful, appreciative, thoughtful and non-judgmental. I struggle like the next person, but I know that as I focus on my blessings of being a mother, living in this great nation, knowing why I'm here and such, it will be more difficult for me to gripe and complain. I vow to try harder to be positive and gracious, so that my children will want to do the same. I know it makes for a happier person, day and family.
Have a great day!

Fun Family Activity: Front Yard Dining

2010-11-10T17:40:00.001-05:00

Here's a great activity that the whole family will enjoy. First, choose another family that will be willing to participate. The first week, your family cooks dinner for the other family. However, you move their dining table out to their front yard, set the table attractively, and serve them. They will enjoy waving to neighbors and laughing at the silliness of it. Hopefully, your family has some good cooks in it. The next week, the other family returns the favor. Making memories with our children is one of my greatest joys. Think outside the box, have fun and decide that having fun with your kids is never embarrassing, just rewarding. I want to hear some feedback when this assignment is completed.
Have fun,
Monica

Teaching Children Accountability

2010-11-10T16:51:00.002-05:00

I wanted to tell everyone about a great product I found this past summer. The company is called Accountable Kids. It is for children ages 3 years to probably 12 years. It is really amazing. It helps mom and dad manage the household, teach children accountability (my favorite), and provides great organizational skills regarding parenting. I love that it teaches consistency, which is many parents hardest parenting skill to perfect. Check it out when you have time. The website is: www.accountablekids.com.
Love those children,
Monica

Stand Up for our "Elders"

2010-11-04T14:02:00.001-04:00

It is polite to stand when an adult enters the room, approaches a table, introduces themselves, and stands to leave. I hear so many people complaining that the young people today, don't show respect for their "elders." There are many different ways to teach respect, but one way is to teach our children to stand. Sometimes, when we teach our children to do something new, they are hesitant, embarrassed, or irritated regarding the new rule. Be patient, yet consistent with teaching your children this important etiquette skill. It's interesting that when we stand for someone, our respect and appreciation for them actually grow. Think about if you were sitting in a chair when the President of the United States walked into the room. You simply would stand. Even if you didn't particularly care for the current President, you would stand due to your honor and respect you have for the office of the President. And, by standing, you would be reminded of your love and appreciation for our country and for the freedoms the office of the President represent. Similarly, as our children stand for Grandma when she enters our home, or when they stand when Dad comes home from work and give him a welcoming hug, these acts of kindness help solidify, in a small way, their respect for these individuals. It's important. Let's teach our children about standing.

Not Another Parenting Blog

2010-11-04T13:32:00.000-04:00

Yes, another Parenting Blog. Can we ever get enough advice about parenting? Of course not. Why? Well, because the second we think we have mastered our latest parenting skill, our wise and ever evolving children come up with another challenge for us (just for the fun of it, I've decided), to see if we really mean what we say, when we tell them, "I love you and there's nothing you can ever do to change that love I have for you." You're child's thinking..."We'll see about that."

Granted, no they're probably not that sinister, however, we must stay diligent in out plight to conquer, achieve, succeed...who am I kidding...let's just try to keep up, shall we?

I would like to share a few insights that I have, and hope that you are willing to share your gifts and insights as well. I enjoy helping and educating parents on creative ways to teach our children proper etiquette and social skills. However, I don't want this blog to just be about manners, I want it to be about parenting, self improvement and spiritual growth. If you have anything that you could share with us regarding these subjects, please share. I especially would love to hear success stories, but also welcome questions.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Monica (a.k.a. Ms. Mary Manners)