Unwanted Physical Contact

Let’s get on to our subject this month.  The topic comes as a result of an experience I had a month ago.  I was in Cincinnati speaking to a group of about 500 teenagers (because I’m on a mission).  After I spoke, I had 4 teenage girls come up to be separately and asked me the same question.  I was really surprised that four different girls would have the same question.  That’s when I knew we had a problem and it’s was time to solve it.

The question was, “What do I do when a boy or man tries to hug me and I don’t want to be hugged?”  These four girls all had personal experiences where a man or boy tried to show physical affection to them in the form of a hug.  Interestingly, all four girls each admitted that they didn’t think the show of affection was of any inappropriate nature.  They just simply did not feel comfortable with it.  So, let’s learn the etiquette rule.

It is not polite for a gentleman to show physical affection to a lady without permission or without it being requested in casual relationships.

What does this mean?  It means that men, young or old, should never approach a lady and offer physical contact without the lady initiating the contact.  For instance, when a gentleman and a lady meet for the first time, it is the ladies’ decision whether to extend her hand and shake hands with the gentleman.  If the lady does not extend her hand, then the gentleman simply stands with his hands to his side and nods his head while he verbalizes the introduction.

This also means that gentlemen never just go up and hug a lady, young or old.  Realizing that most hugs are just friendly ways to show our affection and admiration for others, it is simply not appropriate for a man or boy to initiate this behavior.

One of the girls I previously spoke about, told me that her preacher often hugged members of the congregation, and that when he approached her, she was embarrassed to tell him that she wasn’t comfortable with hugs, especially when everyone else seemed OK with it.

Think about the deli-ma that we place young girls and women in.  All our lives as women, we are encouraged to be polite, to not hurt other’s feelings, to be sensitive to others.  Yet, we’re expected to know how to handle it when we’re placed in an uncomfortable situation, and not be rude.  What are we supposed to do?

We can start by teaching our boys and reminding our gentlemen of this etiquette rule.  I realize that they’re probably aren’t many men or young teens who wish to cause young ladies discomfort.  It’s usually just a man’s way of being friendly.  I have recently had to have this same conversation with my own teenage son.

I was so glad that these young girls brought up this deli-ma to give us a chance to talk about it and make sure that we are  all sensitive to it.  Physical affection is meant to shared between more intimate relationships.  I’m not saying it’s rude to hug others.  I personally love hugs.  However, we have to make sure that we recognize that although we may be comfortable with an in-particular behavior, that doesn’t mean everyone else is and if we’re trying to have proper etiquette, then are focus is always on helping others to feel comfortable.

If you’re wondering what my advice to the young ladies was, I told them that the next time a gentleman tried to hug them unannounced or unwelcomed, to simply turn, pop up a “high five” and say, “You know, a ‘high-five’ is good enough for me.”  Hopefully, they’ll get the message.
Have a great month.  Don’t you be hugging people who don’t want your ‘stinkin’ hugs.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a.  Mary Manners

Teaching Respect for Nature

Hello My Army of Parents,

Spring is in the air and there is no better time to help our children see and recognize the beauty of the earth and what's around them, so that they can learn how to show respect for their surroundings.  This is a very important etiquette skill and one that benefits all of society.  When Spring comes, we are reminded of the little things that the Lord has created in order for us to enjoy and have beauty around us.  We see the delicacy of the flowers, the beautiful fresh green that is only seen in the Spring.  We hear the chirping of baby birds and the buzzing of bees.  It's really amazing.

As we point out the miracles around us, we help our children recognize this beauty as gifts, as special things that should be admired and appreciated.   Hear is an example of a conversation with a young child.

"Wow.  Stand still for a moment.  Close your eyes.  What do you hear?  Do you hear happy sounds or sad sounds?  Yes, they sound very happy.  Now open your eyes.  What do you see?  What colors do you see?  What shapes do you see?  Have you ever seen a picture with so many colors as what your eyes see at this very moment?  How happy it makes me to see such beauty.  How happy it makes me feel when things are fresh, new, clean and vibrant.  Sometimes, we can be careless with the beauty of the earth.  Sometimes, we aren't careful with where we put our trash, or where we step or what we leave behind.  If everyone was careless, what would this world look like?  Think for a moment, what if we walked out of our house one morning and our yard was covered in trash?  How would it make us feel?  Yes, angry. Sad. Confused. Frustrated.  We would wonder, who would do such a thing?  Who would be so inconsiderate as to place trash on our yard.  It's our yard.  We love our yard.  We want it to be nice, so that we can run and play in our yard.  We want it to be clean, so it's attractive and a place we can enjoy.  Every place on this earth is someone's yard, someone's street, someone's sidewalk, someone's flower bed.  We must be considerate of the earth, so that we all might enjoy it.  Let's try harder to be careful that we leave the earth just like we find it.  Let's help to beautify our surroundings to show our gratitude for nature and all its splendor."

As parents, never miss an opportunity to point out the wonders of nature.  

Stop and admire the sunset, the rainbow, the storm cloud.  As we continually show our admiration and love for nature, our children will develop this same appreciation.  This increases our love for the earth which is what encourages respect, care and responsibility.

It's hard to expect our children to behave with respect towards anything that they have not developed a love for.

Have a beautiful week,
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

Correcting with Respect

This month, I would like to discuss the etiquette skill of correcting our children.  What?  You didn’t know there was an etiquette skill involved in this?  Well, there is.  Let’s review our definition of proper etiquette for those new readers who may be joining us.  Proper etiquette is defined as, “helping those around us to feel more valued and more comfortable.”  With this definition in mind, it is important that we not only apply it to those outside of our families, but that we apply it with our most treasured relationships, our families.  As we do so, it will help us establish more loving relationships, including the relationships we have with our children.  Now before I go on, I do not wish to address the controversial topic of discipline.  That is a subject I leave to the judgment, wisdom and love of parents.  However, I do wish to discuss how we approach and carryout whatever discipline we choose to use.

If you remember, we have discussed before that it is not polite to correct others in front of others.  This means that we never “call out” someone in public, or in front of others, because this might embarrass or belittle them.  If a correction is in need, we simply wait for the opportunity when we can pull the person aside and in private, politely give the correction.  This same principle applies to our children. WE NEVER WANT TO EMBARRASS OUR CHILDREN.  Now hold on.  Breathe.....Let’s discuss the solution to this dilemma.  Do our children sometimes need correcting when we are in public?  Do chickens lay eggs?  Of course they do.  Sometimes those little angels of ours are worse than a tic on a hound, however, we must do our best to show complete respect and honor to our children.  Please, please don’t ever yell, spank, criticize, etc. your children in the presence of others, even their siblings.  This means that you have to separate yourself and your child and administer the correction in private.  Sometimes, due to the safety of your other children, you cannot separate yourself at the time.  In that case, you will simply have to pull your child to the side and quietly acknowledge that the correction will happen at a later time.

I know I’m suggesting something that will be difficult at times.  I had all boys in my home, so trust me when I say that this takes great self control and patience.  I can promise you however, that as we make an effort to show respect to our children by striving to protect their dignity, our children’s love and respect for us will increase as well.  As our children realize that correcting them comes from love and devotion, instead of anger and frustration, they will learn to honor our words and our actions.  No, of course it doesn’t mean they will always love or enjoy being corrected, but they will know that we correct because we love them. 

As we consider ways that we can show our children love and respect, I think it will help to simply consider how we would want someone to correct us.  Just because they’re children, doesn’t mean that we have a license to embarrass or humiliate them, regardless of their behavior.  It’s the principle of two wrongs, don’t make a right.  I think this is a topic worth spending some time pondering and considering.  Some day, our children will ponder our parenting when they are making decisions for their own children.  I hope we leave them a legacy of trust, honor, love and encouragement as we help shape their precious lives.

Have a great month.
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Taking Advantage: A Form of Dishonesty

This is a subject that gets me a little "hot under the collar," if you know what I mean: taking advantage of others.  As I hope we understand by now, true etiquette means being considerate of others.

Taking advantage of someone else is the most impolite behavior one can demonstrate. 

As I've stated before, I think it is so important that we are very detail oriented when trying to teach our children important principles.  For instance, when trying to teach our children to be honest, it's important that we use many examples, so that our children understand that dishonesty is more that not telling a lie.

Taking advantage of another person, or a situation is a form of dishonesty.  

Let's make sure our children understand the different "looks" of dishonesty, so that they can pride themselves in striving to be honest and polite in every way.

So often, we get upset with our children, because they do not react or behave in a certain way. We assume that if we’ve told them to be polite, that they know what’s not polite. However, I’ve learned that if we want a certain behavior, it’s helpful to make sure we have given our children the tools, the words, the understanding, so they know exactly what is expected of them and why it is to their advantage when they meet those expectations.

“Taking advantage,” a form of dishonesty, can be demonstrated in many different circumstances. I will mention a few examples.

When we take advantage of someone due to their lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence, lack of understanding, or lack of means (abilities), we are in the wrong.

When we take advantage of someone due to their weakened emotional state, extreme compassion or any other condition that makes them vulnerable (weak) in making a logical and sensible decision, we are in the wrong. For instance, asking our grandma, who has a very difficult time telling her grandchildren “No,” to buy us an expensive item (even though we know she does not have a lot of money), is taking advantage of her. Likewise, when someone gives us too much back in “change” after a transaction, failing to give the money back or to inform the person of their error is taking advantage of their lack of knowledge or awareness. Once again, this type of behavior is impolite and shows poor character.

Yet another example occurs when we do not disclose all relevant information that someone would need to make a proper decision. An example of this would be failing to give our parents all the details of a planned “outing” with friends. This is taking advantage and is a form of dishonesty.

This can be a very informative and interesting discussion with your children. Most children think that being dishonest is telling a lie. However, as we age and mature, hopefully, we understand that dishonestly can be exhibited in many forms.

Discuss with your children using many examples of different forms of dishonesty such as taking advantage of others, withholding information, being secretive, avoiding responsibilities, etc. Allow your children to discuss and understand why these behaviors are examples of dishonesty and the opposite of proper manners.

Love those children by teaching them correct principles. Have a great month.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
President/The Etiquette Factory

Etiquette Factory Educator

Hello Friends,
Welcome back.  It's been such an exciting month at The Etiquette Factory, it's hard for me not to talk about what's been happening.  January launched our Etiquette Educator's Opportunity.  What's this?  Well, it's an exciting new opportunity for anyone who has an interest in children, teaching and making great money.  The field of Etiquette Educators is growing everyday.  Our whole world is seeing the need to have proper manners training at the forefront of a proper education.

You can join us today and become the first Etiquette Factory Educator in your area.  You will soon become your communities leading resource in manners training.  You can teach in so many different arenas, like; daycares, pre-schools, summer camps, girl scout troops, church youth groups, adult social clubs, and the list goes on and on.  Find out today if becoming an Etiquette Factory Educator is right for you.  Go to: www.TheEtiquetteFactory.com/educators.  You will be thrilled by the opportunities.

Have a great week,
Monica Irvine, a.k.a. Mary Manners

When To Send Thank You Notes

Etiquette In Conversation

Hello Friends,

Christmas and the Holidays sure put everything else on hold.  I love to put life aside for one month and focus on family, friends and the gift of Christmas.  On to etiquette.

With all the parties, celebrations and such through the holidays, I was reminded more than once on the need to understand etiquette while in conversation.  There are actually many etiquette rules to consider, but let's just focus on one today; "Balance in Conversation."  This seems to be one that many people find the most annoying, so let's make sure we understand it.

It is polite to simply takes turns when speaking to others.  I'm not saying to walk around with a stop watch in your pocket, announcing when someone's turn is up, but I am saying that we should be aware of how long we speak.  For instance, if we speak for about 5 minutes about our vacation we took last week, it's time to end our summary and ask the person we're with if they've been on any fun trips lately.

Let's make sure we aren't conversations "hoggers."  This makes others more likely to run when they see us coming, and hit "silent" when they see our number on their telephone.

Enjoy your conversations by taking turns.

Yours truly,
Mary Manners