How Should Children Address Adults?

What is the etiquette rule regarding how children should address adults?  Children should address adults by their LAST name with an appropriate title like, Mr., Mrs., Ms, Dr., etc.  For some reason, our society is encouraging children to address adults by their first names with an occasional “Ms” in front, like “Ms. Angie.”  Why??????????  Why are we doing this?  Why are we taking away more opportunities for children to show respect towards adults?  Why are we blurring the lines between adults and children?  Why do we think that having a child call us by our first name, like “Ms Monica” somehow makes our relationship “closer” instead of the child calling us by our last name, like Mrs. Irvine?  

Adults, I seem to notice a whole lot of complaining that is directed to the fact that children don’t show respect towards authority any more or towards parents, teachers and other adults.  Do you know who I blame?  Yes.  Us.  I absolutely disagree with the thought process that we can have a more intimate relationship with a child if they call us by our first name.  Does it change the relationship?  You bet it does.  But it does not change the relationship in a way that is beneficial to the child or the relationship.  Children are in need of guidance, wisdom, direction, support, love and acceptance.  They need role models, not more “buddies.”  Children and adults can have an amazing relationship as the children understand the role of the adults in their lives.  Out of respect and honor, children address adults by their last names.  When children learn to stand for adults, answer “Yes Ma’am” or “Yes Sir” to adults and when children learn to allow adults to go in front of them, they are being given a gift.  This gift is the gift of respect for self.  It comes when we know we are being kind and participating in a small act of kindness to help those around us to know how we feel about them.  If more adults remembered their roles as adults to children and stopped trying to get on equal ground with children, we would see healthier relationships between those children and adults.

If you are insistent about a child calling you by your first name, although I hope you aren’t, the proper way to approach this is to approach the parent of the child and ask their permission for their child to call you by your first name.  Only with a parent’s permission should an adult notify a child of this desire.  If a parent does not wish their child to call you by your first name, please honor that.  No one should ever interfere with how a parent is teaching and raising their child unless the child is in some type of danger.  Please let’s do our part to help children have healthy, respectful and appropriate relationships with all adults by starting with the proper way to address one another.

Have a great month.

Monica Irvine

Just Because We Can, Does Not Mean We Should

This month, I would like to speak about a topic that I am rather sensitive about as I see our society getting farther and farther away from this etiquette consideration.  It is polite to be aware of who is within our “earshot” when speaking about certain topics or using particular language.  Something that has most definitely changed in recent decades is the manner that women and men will speak in the presence of those of the opposite sex.  It seems like today, there are little boundaries about conversation.  Let me give you a few things to consider.

Gentlemen, it is not polite for you to speak about vulgar topics, use foul language, speak about gross or inappropriate things when you are in the presence or “earshot” of ladies.  Recently, I was stuck on a crowded bus with two gentlemen standing right in front of me wearing prestigious suits and holding professional briefcases.  They appeared to be quite the gentlemen.  Then, they started speaking.  They began a discussion, with me standing right in front of them that was anything but appropriate.  I thought to myself, “wonder why they think it is OK to speak like that in front of me?”  It was obvious, they didn’t respect me or themselves enough to watch their tongue in front of a lady.  Let me remind us something about manners.  Manners is NOT A LIST OF DO’S AND DON’TS.  It is an OUTWARD EXPRESSION THAT SHOWS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES AND THOSE AROUND US.  That’s why it matters.

Ladies, it is not polite to speak negatively about men, use foul or inappropriate language or speak of feminine health issues in the presence of gentlemen, especially those we do not have a close personal relationship with.  As ladies, we want to seek helping those around us to feel comfortable and as we speak in a way that is kind, generous and gracious, others will be more comfortable in our presence.

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful to keep their conversation positive, upbeat and cheerful when speaking at the dinner table and especially when conversing with others in casual conversation.  We want to be a source of strength, encouragement and positive energy to others and the way we use our tongue will most definitely be a source of strength or a source of weakness to ourselves and others.

Let’s do our best to be aware of those around us when it comes to our language and speech.  Yes, this is a free country and yes, you may say whatever you want to.  Just because we can, does not mean we should.  Restraint and respect are two traits that every gentleman and lady has.  Do we?

Patience is an Etiquette Virtue

Oh if we could just be patient.  Rush, rush, rush...that’s what we’re doing these days.  Rushing to school, rushing to work, rushing to the gym, rushing to grab a bite, rushing to do homework, to call a friend and it goes and goes.  I’m exhausted just writing that sentence.  Did you know that being patient and slowing down when the time calls for it, is a virtuous characteristic?  Let me explain and give you a few examples.

When we think of a lady or a gentleman, we usually think of someone who is poised, calm, organized and polite.  I know we all know people who go about their lives like their hair is on fire, 24-7.  I hope this is not us.  These are people who run around in a semi or full blown panic mode most of the day.  I don’t trust these people!  They make me nervous and I don’t have confidence in their ability to make good decisions, get things done on time,  be reliable, etc.  How could they when they are so stressed out all the time?  Slow down.  Even if on the inside, your heart and mind are racing, never let it show.  

It’s also polite to be patient with others and not rush those we are with in any way (perhaps unless we can’t get our children out of the toy store).  For example, it is polite to walk at the pace of the slowest “walker” in our group.  If our family arrives to church and Grandma is with us and Grandma is an extremely slow walker, it is polite for our whole family to walk at Grandma’s speed.  But, we most do so without looking bored, annoyed or bothered.  We must enjoy the leisure walk, conversing and enjoying one another’s company.  It would be very rude for the children to run ahead and leave Grandma far behind.  Be patient.

It is also polite to eat at the speed of the host or the slowest person at our table.  Yes, sometimes people are extremely slow eaters.  However, if we remember our manners and remember that we are trying to help those around us to feel valued, then we would never quickly finish our meal only to leave the other person eating “alone.”  It is also very rude to ever exit the table while others are still dining.  When we do this, we send a very loud and clear message that we were there for one reason and one reason only, to fill our little (or not so little) bellies.  Be patient.

Finally, let’s be more patient with one another’s actions.  Remember, if we could see one another’s intentions, more than their actions, we would probably be much more forgiving and understanding.  Be patient.  We’re all here to learn and to grow.  Hopefully each day, we become a little better than we were yesterday.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Let's Not Break our Children's Spirit

Parents, we must stop speaking to our children behind clinched teeth, with angry eyes and cuttingly sharp voices.  

I have seen time and time again and it seems more often these days, parents speaking and handling their children with such contempt and hostility and impatience that it breaks my heart in two.  When we continue to interact and speak with our children without love, patience and sincerity, we are contributing to them growing up as angry, unhappy children who will bear the scares of emotional damage.

We may not think of ourselves as child abusers, but I assure you, if we are continuing to break our children’s spirit, we are indeed child abusers.  We have only a small amount of time, where we have the opportunity to be our children’s heroes.  When they are young, they are so impressionable and want so desperately to please us and to be loved and cherished as we all do.  

Children will react and exemplify the behavior they learn from their parents and care givers, every single time.

I worked in a preschool during college and while there I learned an invaluable lesson.  I had some children in my class who were aggressive, who were often angry and who struggled to have healthy relationships with other children.  In contrast, I had many children who were kind, gentle, happy and content with most situations.  As I met and got to know the parents of all the children, it soon became evident where the children learned their behaviors (please know that I am not speaking about children who suffer with real behavior issues, cognitive disabilities, social disabilities and the like).  What I witnessed was that the parents who were most often aggressively pulling on their children, impatiently removing or putting on coats, threatening to discipline once home, etc. were the ones who had the most aggressive children.

Then I noticed the parents who came in smiling, hugging, being gentle with their children both with their words and tone as well as physically were the parents with the most gentle children.  The softer the parents spoke and behaved, the more kind were the children.  

You may argue against this idea.  You may want to discuss all the variables that can lead to children’s behavior and personality and I know you would have many valuable points and truths.  I also know there are exceptions.  However, regardless of all of that, if we want gentle, kind children, they MUST see it and feel it from us. 

Please, let’s speak with kindness, handle with gentleness, and be much more patient with these beautiful souls entrusted to us. 

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Dining Etiquette Review

Hello Friends.  It’s been a while since we’ve talked “dining etiquette” and this is definitely a subject that needs refining from time to time.  More and more I go to business luncheons and dinners and am usually in “awe” of the lack of skills at the dinner table.  I’m not stating to sound judgmental, but to encourage all of us to pay attention to our table manners because others really do notice and it sends a message of how much we value the dining experience of those around us.  Here are a few things to remember:

1. Our napkin remains in our laps until everyone is exiting the table.  If we must exit first or during the meal for any reason, our napkin goes in our chair and then upon our return, back to our lap.
2. It is not polite to heap our plates full of food.  We should never have food stacked on top of each other.  We also don’t want to fill our plates so full that we can’t see the rim of the plate.  Think conservative, especially if we are at a business or professional luncheon or dinner.
3. We should never never place our fingers in our mouth for any reason; not to clean our fingers, not to remove food from our teeth and not to get the last taste of sauce from our hands.  NEVER!!
4. It is polite to only cut one to two bites of food at a time, placing our utensils down in between every one to two bites.
5. We should never push our plates away from us after we are finished eating to signal that we are finished.  We simply place our utensils side by side at 5:00 with the handles of the utensils slightly off the plate.
6. We should never stack plates in order to help clean up the mess when at a restaurant or formal dinner.  Only do this when you’re at home or when you have been asked to do so by the host.
7. We never reach across anyone to get something at the table.  A simple, “please pass the ....” is all we need to do.
8. We do our best to keep conversation at the dinner table light, refraining from speaking of too serious of topics or topics that are not appropriate such as gross things, vulgar things, sad things, political or religious debates.
9. We always find ways to sincerely compliment the cook or host.
10. We NEVER NEVER NEVER announce any dislikes while at the table.  We simply say “No thank you” if we would not care for something.  Hopefully, your host knows her manners and will never ask “Why not?”

These are just a few common mistakes that we tend to make while dining with others.  There are many more skills to use at the table.  Having proper table manners is a great indication of our education level, our ability to show self control and our sincere interest in the dining experience of those we are dining with.  Happy dining!

Monica Irvine

a.k.a. Mary Manners

True Test of a Gentleman

True test of a gentleman!  OK men, this one is for you.  Can you pass the gentleman test?  If your wife, your co-workers, your children were to be asked if you were someone they would consider to be a gentleman...would they say "Yes?"  Does it matter?  Statistics show that men who have more "gentleman" attributes get more respect from their peers, receive pay raises at a faster pace and overall report to have healthier and happier relationships.  It matters.  See how you do with the following questions...

• Do I open the doors for all ladies and my peers?
• Do I avoid ever speaking of offensive topics in the presence of ladies?
• Am I careful to never engage in any behavior that could be misconstrued as inappropriate?
• Do I always pay for the meals of those whom I invite to lunch or dinner?
• Do I dress in a way that shows I have respect for myself and others?
• Do I stand when a lady approaches or leaves my table?
• Do I only extend my hand to a lady once she extends her hand first during an introduction?
• Do I refrain from giving physical affection to ladies that I am in a casual relationship with, unless I have their permission?
• Do I help all ladies in my presence with their coats, umbrellas or any other item that they need assistance with?
• Do I refrain from ever borrowing money from a lady?
• Do I keep my Word, always returning items on time and always completing task when I have committed to completing them.
• Do I keep myself clean, always being mindful of my breath, body odor and overall hygiene?
• Am I comfortable with making and keeping eye contact in all my conversation?
• Am I confident, kind and honest?
• Do I have polite table manners?  Do I use them at all times?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you my friend are a great example of a gentleman and I'm sure that you feel the benefits of being such in your life.  If you could not answer "yes" to many of these questions, may I suggest you call me.  We'll work on it :)

Professional Etiquette

Today, more and more companies are looking to etiquette experts to help transform their employees to the needed professionals that they must be to compete in this global market.  So, let’s have a little preview of what professional etiquette is here.  Here’s some things to consider:

• Having a positive tone and voice when answering the phone is crucial.  It is the very first image your customers have of your company.  Customers ask, “Are they friendly?  Do they act like they’re interested in why I’ve called?  Do they act ‘put out’ that they’ve had to answer the phone?  Do they make me want to do business with this company?”  These are just a few questions going through a customers mind when interacting with someone on the phone at a business.  It’s also very important to never place callers “on hold” without their permission and never for more than 30 seconds without giving them the option of calling back later or leaving a message.  Yes, I realize this is “news” to many companies :)
• Be positive at work.  Do you work with anyone who complains often?  It’s not that fun is it?  No one likes to work with others who complain and are often negative.  Complaining and being negative is very unproductive and tends to bring the entire atmosphere of the workplace down.  If you have an official complaint, then administer the complaint through the proper channels.  Besides that, be cheerful, positive and productive at work.  It’s not fair to unload our personal business or our “gripes” to our coworkers.  They are their to do their job and make the most of their circumstances while being a proactive and positive force for the company.  Either be a team player, or move on.
• It is very unprofessional to gossip, but especially at work.  Gossiping is a very destructive force that literally leads to drops in production, declining company moral and even a loss of overall profit.  At work, we are to be professional at all times.  This means we look for the positive in those we work with, we work well as a team to reach optimal performance and we keep unproductive conversation at bay.  Don’t be a “busy body” at work, just be busy.
• Take responsibility for your actions.  A professional knows that somedays we succeed and some days we fail but those who really succeed are those that learn from their failures and move on.  Sometimes we spend more time trying to cover our mistakes then the time it would take to take responsibility for our mistakes and then move forward to do many more wonderful things.  Never “pass the buck”.  Be a MAN.  Be a WOMAN.  Take ownership and move forward.
• Give your 100% regardless.  Sometimes, employees loose interest in an assignment or a project and start “slacking” on their work ethics.  Giving 100% every time, every project, every day is what divides the winners from the losers.  We will always end up ahead by giving our all.
• Help others succeed.  The real test of a great leader is how many great leaders did we help build.  Some people think that as long as they look out for themselves, they will always end up on top.  This is not true.  We may have some success with this as our motto, however long term success comes from helping others succeed and in turn, helping ourselves.  Be on the team.  The winning team.  Show integrity, honesty, character and moral conviction every day at work, rain or shine and you my friend will have a recipe for success.

More to come...

Monica Irvine

a.k.a. Mary Manners