We Just Need to Be Kinder

I want to talk about a simple topic, but one I think we struggle with at times, especially inside the walls of our own homes.  It's kindness.

If I were to ask your spouse, companion or kids if you were kind, what would they say?

I think we would all admit that oftentimes, it's easier to be more kind to total strangers than to those we live with, but just because it might be easier doesn't mean that it's okay.

We have to put forth every

 effort to just be kind.

How do we do this?  Here are some great suggestions, but as you might imagine, there are endless opportunities.

Speak softly.  The more gentle and kind your tone of voice, the more likely those around you will listen.

Say "good morning" when you wake up and "hello" when you get home.  Remember that greetings are a polite way to address anyone when you first see them that day or after an absence.

Serve.  Small acts of unexpected services goes a long way in showing your love to others, especially your family.  Take a piece of cake home to your spouse, give your son a back rub, ask your daughter if you could help her do her nails--anything to show others you're thinking of them and enjoy making them happy.

Say "thank you" all the time.  "Thank you for doing the dishes."  "Thank you for watching what I wanted to watch." "Thank you for always being there."

Compliment more than complain.  Compliments go much further in creating love in a home rather than complaining.  I know it can be frustrating when you feel things aren't being done like they need to be done, or assignments or obligations are forgotten about, but complaining usually doesn't motivate people to act.  Most of us are inspired when our hearts are turned to someone in a positive way.  We want to please them.  We want to receive their praise.

Smile.  Let's be honest, how much fun is it to be around someone who's always frowning?  It no.  Just smile.  I'm not saying you have to show all your teeth all day every day, but there's a way to have a pleasant look on your face, and there's a way to have a scowl on your face.  Choose the smile.

Do it because you want to, not so you can get something in return.  If you're choosing to serve, to help, to compliment, etc. in order to get something in return, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Just do it because doing so makes you happy.  If no one notices, if no one says thank you, just be happy because you're living and loving the way you should and there's nothing that can satisfy you as much as being happy with yourself.

Have a great month and remember to be kind!

Monica Irvine

Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

I would like to speak about a topic that I'm rather sensitive about as I see our society getting farther and farther away from this etiquette consideration.

It's polite to be aware of who is within our earshot when speaking about certain topics or using particular language.  

Something that has most definitely changed in recent decades is the manner that women and men will speak in the presence of those of the opposite sex.

Today it seems like there are little boundaries about conversation.

Let me give you a few things to consider.

Gentlemen, its not polite for you to speak about vulgar topics, use foul language, or speak about gross or inappropriate things when you're in the presence or earshot of ladies.

Recently I was stuck on a crowded bus with two gentlemen standing right in front of me wearing prestigious suits and holding professional briefcases.  They appeared to be quite the gentlemen.  Then they started speaking.

They began a discussion with me standing right in front of them, that was anything but appropriate.  I thought to myself, "I wonder why they think it's okay to speak like that in front of me?"  It was obvious--they didn't respect me or themselves enough to watch their tongue in front of a lady.  Let me remind you something about manners.

Manners are not lists of dos and don'ts.  They're an outward expression that shows how you feel about yourself and those around you.  That's why it matters.

Ladies, it not polite to speak negatively about men, use foul or inappropriate language, or speak of feminine health issues in the presence of gentlemen, especially those you don't have a close personal relationship with.

As ladies you want to seek helping those around you feel comfortable, and as you speak in a way that is ind, generous, and gracious, others will be more comfortable in your presence.

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful to keep their conversation positive, upbeat, and cheerful when speaking at the dinner table.  You want to be a source of strength, encouragement, and positive energy to others, and the way you use your tongue will most definitely be a source of strength or a source of weakness to yourself and others.

Do your best to be aware of those around you when it comes to your language and speech.  

Yes, this is a free country, and yes, you may say whatever you want to.  Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Restraint and respect are two traits that every gentleman and lady has.  Do you?

Monica Irvine

I Wish We Would Notice More

A lady and a gentleman notice.  What kinds of things do we notice?  Well, perhaps we might notice:

• A little old lady or man standing behind us in the post office line, struggling to stand in the long line.  Wonder if we could change places with them?
• A mother with three kids trying to carry luggage and kids and stuff, getting on an airplane.  Wonder if we could help carry some of that?
• A homeless man or lady, regardless of whose fault it is that they’re homeless, who is standing outside a store on a hot day. Wonder if we could buy a cold bottle of water and give it to him or her?
• A person walking towards us with their heads down, looking a bit unhappy or concerned over something.  Wonder if we could make eye contact, smile and say, “Hello there.  I hope you have a good day”?
• The clerk at Walmart that looks tired and faking a smile.  Wonder if we could start a conversation with them, helping them to know that people really do care?
• Our own child, making comments like, “Mom I wish you could play with me” or “Dad, do you think you will have time to play after your important work.”  Wonder if we could recognize the unspoken feelings of loneliness and need for attention?

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s is so very easy to get caught up in our own needs, responsibilities and obligations.  But, here’s the deal.  If we’re too busy to do the most important things, than we’re too busy.  

If we’re too busy to stop and serve others, then we’re too busy.  

Surely we can all see that at the end of the day, and even at the end of our life, all that will really matter is who we have helped.

Have a great month.

Monica Irvine 

Embarrassment: An Etiquette No-No

I'm going to discuss a subject I believe we can all probably improve on - using embarrassment to try to persuade others to perform or meet our objectives.

I work with teenagers, and oftentimes, when I ask them questions about their lives, they share things about school, family, and relationships.  One issue they share with me a little too often, meaning it's happening a little too often, is adults using "embarrassment" in order to get teens to do things, behave better, study harder, perform at higher levels of achievement, etc.

Recently a teen shared a situation that happened in her math class. She said that her teacher called on a young lady to answer a question.  When she didn't know the answer, the teacher reportedly became frustrated and asked the student to stand up and explain why she didn't know the answer.  The teacher said she was going to write a three-page essay explaining why she didn't know the answer and then informed her that she needed her mom's phone number so she could call and discuss this with her. She capped off the lecture with, "It looks like you need to go back to middle school."

Perhaps some of these details would be reported differently from a different witness to the event.  I don't know, because I wasn't there myself.  However, here's what I do know.

It is NEVER productive to humiliate and embarrass others when trying to inspire them to perform better.

If showing good manners means that we act and speak in a way that shows value to others, then embarrassing them would be the complete opposite of that goal.

Once we engage in this type of behavior, we lose the respect of those around us.  Without respect, we can't motivate others, people don't care whether they please us or not, and we can't inspire people to want to change.  We cripple our ability to lead others to succeed when we don't have their respect and admiration.

We all have wonderful memories of teachers, youth leaders, and adult friends who truly inspired us, made us want to work harder, study more, and achieve greater things.  What was so special about them?  For me, they were the teachers, leaders, and parents that I knew cared about me and want me to achieve, learn and grow.  They bent over backwards to help me succeed.

Whether we're teaching, parenting, or working in any position of leadership, we must ask ourselves why we're here.

Do we really care and want to help, inspire, motivate, and change? 

 If so, remember to always use respect and honor to those around us.  We'll never receive what we're not willing to give.

Monica

True Test of a Lady

Since we focused on gentlemen in the last post, I figured it was only fair to focus on ladies this month.

One of my favorite groups of people to teach is teenagers.  They actually are usually the most reactive and most receptive to etiquette training.  They're on the brink of their careers, their lives, and most of them are eager to learn how to make the most of their future.  The trick is helping them to believe in what will truly make a difference in their future happiness and success.

Of course, proper etiquette, in my opinion, is absolutely key in this process.  Most girls and women I teach would love to be considered a true lady.

Here's a list of skills that are key in being a lady that everyone respects and admires:

► A lady is gracious at all times.  This means we show gratitude for all things, refraining from complaining and being negative.

►A lady is kind.  We strive to look for opportunities to serve and help others, always doing so with a cheerful attitude.

►A lady never gossips and refrains from speaking unkindly of others.  If what you're going to say to someone will cause that person to think less of the person you're speaking about, then don't say it.

► A lady keeps confidences.  She knows it's important to protect the confidences that others have entrusted to her, never sharing without one's permission.

► A lady dresses as a lady.  She always wants the attention to be on those she's with; therefore, she never dresses in a way that causes the attention of others to be on her.

► A lady knows when to speak and when not to.  As ladies, we pay close attention to conversation, being careful not to speak too long, too loud, or about topics that aren't relevant to the conversation.

► A lady is well educated.  All ladies should cherish learning and strive to be "lifelong" learners, never tiring of self improvement.

► A lady is a benefit to her society.  Ladies know that contributing to their society in even the smallest way is her duty and her honor.

► A lady accepts all.  Ladies know that every life deserves love, honor, and respect; therefore, she exemplifies one that looks upon the heart of a person, rather than skin, religion, or any other physical or social difference.

May we all strive to live up to the definition of a lady.  What a different world this would be.

All the best!

Monica Irvine

It's Not Our Job to Correct Others

Believe it or not, it's not our job to correct others.  Really!

For some reason, many of us believe that we have an obligation to set the record straight or correct others when we believe they are mistaken with their information, opinion or overall approach to things.

How many times have we all been guilty of saying something like, "That's not how you do it,"  Why are you doing it that way" or Well, that's not true," etc.?

The truth is, it's really rude when we correct others unless we are their actual parents.

Let me make a few clarifications.  Standing up for what we believe is right or stopping a wrong from being committed towards another human being is, of course, expected of us all.  This is very different than going around to our family and friends being the "accuracy police" on everything they do, say and believe.

I recently spent time with a few friends, and after some time went by and a few disagreements occurred, I realized that what was causing contention was the need for a couple of friends to point out every time they disagreed with what was being said.  There is a time and place for making our opinions known, but during friendly, casual conversation is not one of those times.

Pointing out other's faults is the quickest way to becoming
 the person everyone wants to avoid.

It's also not polite to point out everything your spouse does that you don't like or disagree with.  This wears a marriage down and contributes to resentment and bitterness.  Yes, there are occasions where it is necessary to express disappointment in certain behavior, but these times should be the exception not the norm.

What if, instead of pointing out all the things that those around you did wrong, you recognized them for the things they did right?  (Of course this is only your opinion.)

Usually most people respond better to compliments
rather than complaints and negative comments.

If you really want to arrive to be gentlemen and ladies, then it is important to avoid being someone that others try to avoid.  Pointing out others' faults is the quickest way to becoming the person everyone wants to avoid.  Instead, compliment and praise.  If you feel you really can't do this, then choose to not say anything at all.  

Choosing to speak should be carefully evaluated with

thought going into what our purpose is, what you think the

outcome will be if you speak, and if it's worth it.

May we all strive to have relationships that bring great joy to us and others.

We Are One Human Family

A lady and a gentleman do not see each other as different but rather as similar with unique and different qualities.  What do I mean?  I mean that instead of seeing each other noticing what is different like skin color, dress, education level, sense of humor, behavior, religion, sexual orientation and the list goes on and on, we see each other as people...moms and dads, sons and daughters all striving and hoping to find love, peace, acceptance, respect, appreciation, sincerity, and more.  

Yes of course we may look different, but why notice?  Why not look at each other through different lenses?  The lenses that focus on the things that we have in common.  I know we might think that we are not prejudice or we do not make differences but often we do and we do not even recognize it.

For instance, have we ever said, “There was this cute little black boy on the playground this morning...”?  Why wouldn’t we just say, “There was this cute little boy on the playground this morning...”  Why would we ever point out his skin color?  Why do we need to do that?  What difference does it make?  Does it make our story better?  Does it play into some stereotype we are trying to make a connection to?  Do you see how this is pointing out differences that aren’t important?

I’m sure all of us want to be proud of our heritage, our cultural, our families ( at least I hope so),  but a lady and a gentleman see each other as valued human beings that share common hopes and dreams.  A lady and a gentleman strive to show value in each other and know that words really do matter.

It’s a wonderful thing when people recognize valuable things about other cultures and races and draw attention to those beautiful things.  

Let’s be careful however, not to point to generalizations regarding races and cultures.  None of us enjoy to be placed in a big group and then assumptions  made about us depending on the group we have been associated with.  We are unique.  We have our own thoughts, ideas and goals.

Let’s give everyone the same benefit we desire...to be recognized for our accomplishments, our character, our integrity, our hard work.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Certified Etiquette Educator and Life Skills Coach

Self Control...A True Etiquette Principle

Hello Friends.  I would like to discuss a skill that all gentlemen and ladies should strive to possess…that of self-control.  

Self-control is an attribute that requires one to consciously make an effort to be in control of one’s emotions, actions and speech.  

We all know people who have little self-control.  They are the ones who “blow their tops” rather quickly, get easily “rattled” and “put their foot in their mouth” very often.  I hope this isn’t us.

When we consider that we want to raise our children believing that they are not a victim to circumstances or helpless to physical appetites or pleasures, we might want to examine if we live our own life in a way that exemplifies this belief system.  

Here are some self-checks to consider:

• Do we find ourselves often being blamed for other’s hurt feelings?  If so, we might need to ask someone we trust, love and admire to be honest with us by asking, “Am I rude?  Do I sound condescending or judgmental when I speak to others?  If you were to advice me on one thing that you thought would help me if I changed in my conversation with others, what would it be?”  Then, be courageous enough to hear and act and thank your friend who loves you.

• Do we find ourselves angry at least once per day?  How about once per week?  Either of these amounts is a sure sign that we are struggling with understanding and controlling our emotions.  Studies show that people who get angry more often are more unhappy.  You might be saying, “Duh?”  However, here’s something to consider.  We choose to be angry.  No one forces you or I to ever become angry.  It’s a choice.  And when we choose it, we are choosing unhappiness.

• Are we a slave to a bad habit?  Do we have to have an alcoholic drink each day to “calm our nerves” or relax us?  Do we have to have our coffee in the morning or we have no way of being responsible for our grouchiness, sleepiness or lack of focus.  I could go on but the simple truth is this.  If you need outside unhealthy habits to keep you going, you are allowing something other than yourself to be in control of you.

Choose to be an example that your children can look to in all things, even in self control.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Let’s offer Everyone the Same Rights

This great country that you and I are privileged to live in is a gift, a gift to be cherished, protected and honored.  As ladies and gentlemen, it is our duty to demonstrate to others through our actions and our words that we respect and honor their rights, opinions, beliefs and the guiding principles that they live by.

I know we talk about this often, but it seems to be a topic that further discussion and exploration is always needed.  Most of us have come to believe certain ideas and principles to be true.  We’ve reached these beliefs through our upbringing, our life experiences and often research and study.  Thank goodness we are in charge of our own brains.  If you’re like me, you want to be allowed to believe what you believe and not be judged, ridiculed or persecuted assuming that our beliefs and actions do not place the safety of those around us in jeopardy.  

Please allow me to give you an example of a “hot topic” issue to illustrate my larger point of this consideration.  Example–– if you want to believe that marriage is only between a man and a woman, then you must also allow others to believe that marriage is between any two people, regardless of gender.  If you support that marriage is between any two people, regardless of gender, than you must also allow others to only support that marriage is between one man and one woman based on their beliefs.  Yes, you absolutely can speak of your beliefs and try to persuade others to come to the knowledge of the truths that you believe, but you must do so only by acting in love, patience, kindness and understanding.  

We all want the same rights to act upon our own beliefs, but so often, we try to eliminate the rights of others through legislation and other methods, simply because we do not share their beliefs.  We personally attack those who do not share our beliefs by using terms such as bigot, self righteous, judgmental, closed-minded, etc.  

We have a system in this great country in order to make change.  We allow our voice to be heard through our vote, through contacting our representatives, by protesting and teaching and giving information and all of these are acceptable practices in trying to bring about change.  

Ladies and gentlemen use the appropriate methods to give support to your causes and speak, speak loudly, but do so without insulting those you disagree with you.  

We must do all we can to protect the rights of the innocent, the rights of individual freedom and the right for all to pursue happiness.  No apology is necessary for believing the way you do, but respect for those who do not share your beliefs is required for every lady and gentleman.

Guarding Against a Condescending Tone & Words

The deal with “Condescending”

I want to talk about a topic that I think we as parents need to guard against...speaking with a condescending tone to our children (or anyone for that matter, because our children are listening).  

The definition of condescending is: having or showing a feeling of patronizing (believing that we are more intelligent or better than others) superiority. 

Basically, it’s really a “slap” in the face.

Let me describe the unspoken or spoken messages we are sending to whom we are speaking to when we use condescending language or tone.  They are:

I can’t believe you would be stupid enough to say (do) that!

Surely you don’t really believe that is true?

Do you literally have no idea regarding consequences?

I however, would never do (say) such a thing.

I am never guilty of such an offense.

and the list goes on.

Here, allow me to give you a few examples:

Child helping dad wash the car.  Dad looks at the front where child has washed and says, “Really!!  So I guess you think bugs on the car is considered clean!”  What does child hear?  “You are so stupid that you can’t even get bugs off the car.  I can’t believe that’s the best you can do.”  Instead, Dad could have said, “Hey man, yeah that front is tough to wash.  Let me show you a little trick I use to get those nasty bugs off.  Let’s see if it works for you too.”  Difference...child now wants to do better, instead of feeling humiliated.

Mom is helping child write a paragraph for English class.  Child is mis-spelling words and failing at making complete sentences.  Mom says, “Honey!  I can’t believe you’re misspelling simple words.  You should know these.  This doesn’t even make sense.  I thought you already learned what makes a complete sentence.”  What does child hear?  You fail at writing so why try.  Instead, Mom could have said, “It took me a while to figure out the difference between the different ways to spell “there”.  Let me draw a picture for you to see if it helps.....”  Difference...instead of child becoming exasperated due to the multiple corrections, the child can feel accomplished when they understand the one grammar rule thus leading to confidence to move on to second rule.

Parents, let’s watch our tone.  

Speaking with compassion and respect to our children creates a greater desire to learn and obey.  If our children hear negative “unspoken” messages too often or for too long, then we will have no one to blame but ourselves when we hear our children speaking this way to others and when our relationship with them as adults is not what we would hope.  

Start today.

Monica Irvine

Manners Mean Moderation

We are becoming an excessive society.  What do I mean?  I mean...”When will it be enough?”  I think back to my grandparents who lived a very simple life.  They were happy and content with their two bedroom house, because that’s all they needed.  They had a garden, they both enjoyed various hobbies and they spent a lot of time together.  Today, we struggle to ever be satisfied.  We always want a bigger house, a nicer car, more stuff, more exotic vacations, to be skinnier, to have fewer wrinkles, and the list goes and goes and goes.

Let me share an etiquette rule that might help with this.  “A lady and a gentleman are always content with what they have, yet they continuously strive for self improvement and sincere service to others.”  Wow.  Content.  Have we ever felt content?  

Being content does not mean that we don’t strive for improvement or that we don’t have goals, plans and dreams.  It simply means that we do not dwell on what we do not have, but find great joy and peace as we recognize what we do have.  

This is a literally a skill that can be taught and must be taught to our children if they are every going to be truly happy.

So many of us spend too much time thinking that if we only could get “x” then we would be happy or if “this” would happen we would finally find peace or as soon as I get “that” paid off I will finally be free.  People, we have to learn to appreciate today and the moments we are in.  Be present.  Stop going “over the top” with every idea.  Don’t become an extremist with your exercise, your diet, your work, your politics, etc.  When you do, the other things in your life, mainly your family, suffer for it.  I promise you, they do.

Help your children to be present.  Talk often about the things that you appreciate.  Let me give you some examples that help our children learn how to find joy in today and to keep wants and wishes in perspective.  Allow them to hear you say things like; 

• “Wow, would you look at that sky.  Let’s pull over so we can just take it all in.  How blessed we are to have such a beautiful world.”
• “Oh my, aren’t we so fortunate to have a house with an air conditioner to save us from this hot day.”
• “Isn’t it so wonderful that we don’t have to go to bed hungry.  We have so much to be grateful for.”
• “I love spending time with you.  There’s nothing that makes me happier than spending time with my children.  Thank you.”

Order the small size, offer the best piece to others,  leave at least 2 days/nights a week that nothing is on the schedule for anyone, slow down, use moderation and teach your children to be grateful.  

A lady and a gentleman show grace by being grateful.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

True Etiquette/Being Positive

What a beautiful month we have to look forward to.  I love this time of year and yes, I even love football.  When I look around and see the beauty of fall, feel the crispness in the air, and hear the geese beginning their journey south, I’m reminded of how blessed we are to live in this great country.    I love the seasons, the beauty of the earth and the goodness of people.  Well, I know it sounds like I’m being all happy and joyful right now and actually, there’s a reason for this behavior.

Did you know that it is polite to be positive, which means it is impolite to be negative.  

Well....it is!

Sometimes, I want to shout at the top of my lungs to certain people to, “Stop Complaining!!!!!”

Yes, I know things are hard and difficult and uncertain right now and I’m feeling those things too, but how in the world does it help any of us to go around complaining, whining and fussing about all the gloom and doom in the world?  It helps nothing.

I know that there are people who suffer at a level that I cannot even relate to and never will.  My heart hurts knowing others have to suffer so.  However, I know that in order to help uplift each other and support each other, we have got to become more positive. 

We Americans, forget too easily the blessings we enjoy.  We are becoming so hard and cynical towards our elected officials, our way of life, our future.  Yes, of course we’ve got problems, some very big ones, but let’s stop complaining and let’s become a part of the solution. 

Ladies and gentleman are:

1. people who look for the positive in all things
2. people who see adversity and know that this is a time to triumph
3. people who refuse to give up, complain or fail
4. people who are more concerned with their neighbors’ troubles, than their own
5. people who smile regardless of their day, so that they can help others to feel safe and comforted
6. people who look at troubled times as an opportunity to show compassion
7. people who ask themselves, “What can I do to change this situation?” and then do it
8. people who ask themselves, “What can’t I  change in this situation?” and then forget it
9. people who know that greatness comes from trying
10. people who know that a positive attitude can not only change your day, but the day of everyone around you

May we all strive to be more positive and more cheerful.  Remember, true etiquette comes when our focus is on lifting those around us. 

Happy thoughts,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners