Speak to Your Children with Love

Parents, we must stop speaking to our children behind clinched teeth and with with angry eyes and cuttingly sharp voices.

I have seen time and time again, and it seems more often these days, parents speaking and handling their children with such contempt and hostility and impatience that it breaks my heart in two.

When we continue to interact and speak with out children without love patience and sincerity, we are contributing to them growing up as angry, unhappy children who will bear the scars of emotional damage.

We may not think of ourselves as child abusers, but I assure you, if we are continuing to break our children's spirits, we are indeed child abusers.  We have only a small amount of time where we have the opportunity to be our children's heroes.  When they are young, they are so impressionable and want so desperately to please us and to be loved and cherished as we all do.

Children will react and exemplify the behavior they learn from their parents and caregivers, every single time.

I worked in a preschool during college, and while there I learned an invaluable lesson.  I had some children in my class who were aggressive, who were often angry, and who struggled to have healthy relationships with other children.

In contrast, I had many children who were kind, gently, happy and content with most situations.

As I met and got to know the parents of all the children, it soon became evident where the children learned their behaviors.  (Please know that I am not speaking about children who suffer with real behavior issues, cognitive disabilities, social disabilities, and the like.)  What I witnessed was the parents who were most often aggressively pulling on their children, impatiently removing or putting on coats, threatening to discipline once home, etc. were the ones who had the most aggressive children.

Then I noticed the parents who came in smiling, hugging and being gentle with their children, both with their words and tone, as well as physically, were the parents with the most gentle children.  The softer the parents spoke and behaved, the more kind were the children.

You may argue against this idea.  You many want to discuss all the variables that can lead to children's behavior and personality, and I know you would have many valuable points and truths.
I also know there are exceptions.  However, regardless of all that, if we want gentle, kind children, they MUST see it and feel it from us.

Please let's speak with kindness, handle with gentleness and be much more patient with these beautiful souls entrusted to us.

Love Much,

Monica Irvine

5 Etiquette Skills Not to Forget to Teach Our Children

Why couldn't someone come up with a list that includes every single thing we must teach our children before they turn 18?  Then we could just check them off as we went.  Are you laughing yet?  Nope, it doesn't really work like that.

There are many etiquette skills we sometimes just don't think to teach our children until we're in the moment and realize "Oops, I don't think we've talked about that."

Here are just a few of those:

• It's never polite for your children to go to school, church, etc. with invitations to a birthday party or event unless they are inviting every single child in the school, church, etc.  What a heartbreak when one child sees other children receiving invitations, only to be passed by and left without one.  Unless you're inviting everyone, only mail or email invitations.
• Have you taught your children what to do when the American flag is brought into a room or when the national anthem is played?  Too often I see these events happening and children are simply at a loss as to appropriate behavior.  Teach your children to stand when the flag is raised or brought into a room and to face the flag while standing when the national anthem is played.  Teach them that it's rude to talk or make noise when this is going on.  Although it's not necessary, you may place your hand over your heart during the national anthem.  Always be at attention.  To learn more considerations towards our flag, visit www.usa-flag-site.org
• It's not polite to double dip.  If you take a bite of a chip, then it would be rude to take the half-eaten chip and re-dip it into a bowl of dip.  Maybe you do this in your own home, but you don't do this when eating in a public or with a group.
• It's not polite to touch other people's babies or pets without their permission.  Many parents are very concerned about germs when it comes to their small children, so you should never assume it's alright to touch a child without the parent's permission.  With pets, its more of a safety issue to our own children, but regardless, you should always have permission.
• It's not polite to walk through other people's yards, regardless of how careful you walk, without the property owner's permission.  This is more about respect than just about damaging someone's property.  Of course it's usually not damaging to someone's yard for someone to walk across it, but it's not polite to ever assume that the property owner doesn't mind.

It's polite when we keep our commitments.  If your children commit to being home at a certain time, then that's the time they should arrive.  If your child commits to cleaning his room, then a clean room should be had.

Helping your children learn to keep their commitments is one of the first steps to helping them become trustworthy, dependable adults, and what a gift that is.

All the Best,

Monica Irvine

Helping Our Children to Politely Receive Compliments

We all can struggle at times when we receive a compliment from someone. Often, it can make us feel awkward because we’re not sure the best way to respond.  If it’s difficult for us, then we must assume it also can be difficult for our children.

The best way to respond to a compliment, is simply, “Thank you.”  However, we want to show our sincere gratitude as we say, “thank you” and we can do this by looking the person in the eye, and with true sincerity, express our gratitude.

With our children, it is a great idea to role play a few example situations.  For instance, let’s say someone at church says to our daughter, “That is such a lovely dress you have on today.  You look beautiful.”  Our child would hopefully look up and make eye contact and then say something like, “Thank you so much.  My grandma bought it for me.”

On another occasion, a neighbor could come up to our son and say something like, “Wow, you really are fast on your bike.”  Hopefully, our son would stop, look up at the neighbor making eye contact while smiling and say something like, “Well thank you so much for noticing.  I’ve been practicing a lot and trying to get faster.”

Today, it seems very  impressive when any child or young person simply makes eye contact and speaks directly and purposefully with adults.  Too often, children and young people look down at the ground when an adult tries to speak to them and mumbles responses that are sometimes difficult to understand.

Parents, as you role play some scenarios with your children, they will increase in their confidence and be able to handle compliments from others with kindness and gratitude.  Practice makes perfect.  

For more ways to boost your child's confidence and social skills check out our Fundamentals4kids program for ages pre-k through 3rd grade and our Life Skills For You program for ages 4th-12th grade.

Have a great month!

Monica Irvine

Family Meetings…They Make All the Difference

Parents, I introduce you to the value in family meetings in raising ladies and gentlemen.  

Having a family meeting once per week can literally cut down on so much wasted time, help the family to be more united, give the family specific goals and create much needed family fun time. Let me explain.  

A family meeting should have an agenda and 

should be led by mom or dad to help everyone stay on track.  

A family meeting is not a time for mom and dad to bark out orders, complain about everyone’s previous week’s mishaps, or become a laundry list of “to-do’s.”  Instead, it should be a time where each family member feels like their voice is heard, their opinions matter and they are an essential part of the family unit.  

Here are some possible ideas for your family meeting agenda:

Schedule

Go over the schedule for the upcoming week including doctor appointments, ball games, special occasions, birthdays, and any events that the whole family needs to be aware of.  

This helps ensure everyone is on the same page, that rides are coordinated and special occasions do not get forgotten.

Family Fun Times Ideas

Every family should have “fun time” put on their schedule every single week.  

Just like us adults usually have things each week that we are looking forward to, our children need this too.

Family fun does not have to cost money.  It can be a movie at home, playground time, library time, hide-n-go-seek in the dark time…it just needs to be on the schedule, so that everyone can look forward to it and mom and dad don’t forget about it.

Projects

Family meetings really help accomplish projects because it helps everyone prepare physically and emotionally for them.  

If everyone knows that they are going to clean out the garage on Saturday, mom and dad can make sure they have all the needed supplies and the kids can “gear up” emotionally for the fun.

One-on-One Time 

Children feel so important when they see their names on the calendar for special time with mom and dad.

Parents, we are trying to raise engaging, responsible, productive and capable children.  Help them to learn these skills by involving them in running the family.  

A family meeting is a great way to teach our children organizational skills that will benefit them for years to come both personally and professionally.

Have a great week.

Monica Irvine

Best Parenting Advice - Respect

I think showing our children respect is the best parenting advice I could give.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make regarding their children is the manner in which they speak to them. I hear much too often parents speaking to their children with a demeaning tone, yelling, extreme sarcasm, and in other disrespectful ways.  Parents, this is wrong.

Not only is it wrong, but if we continue to do such, we will slowly but surely loose our children’s respect and then “AMEN” to our ability to parent successfully.

Here's a few tips to help you follow this "best" parenting advice of respect:

Watch your tone 

For some reason, many adults think that they have a license to speak to children in a derogatory tone, simply because they are children.  Here’s what I know.  I know that the people that we should show the greatest care with, that we should speak the most respectful to, that we should be the most gentle with, are within the walls of our homes.

We cannot get from our children what we are not willing to give to them.

Honor - a Two Way Street

If we want out children to honor us, then we must honor them.  Of course there are times that we must correct our children, but it is during these times that we should be the most careful with our speech.

Correcting is supposed to be an act of love, not an act of anger.

When we correct our children, they should be able to feel and see that we are acting out of love and concern for them, even if they disagree with our decision.

The Big Picture - Childhood to Adult Relationship

Parents, please be careful.  We are not guaranteed a positive relationship with our children when they become adults.  So many adults that I meet today, have difficult relationships with their parents as adults and it most often stems from their childhood and how their parents treated them.

  We do not have a license to demean, embarrass, humiliate or scream at our children. 

These actions slowly but surely take a piece of our children's "heart" away and slowly but surely deteriorate the amount of respect they have for us.

Please reevaluate the manner in which you speak to your children and head to this parenting advice. Ladies and gentlemen strive to treat everyone with the utmost respect and honor, regardless of their age, size or mental ability.

Have an amazing week!

Monica Irvine

Teaching Our Children How to Solve Disagreements

As I travel around the United States speaking to parents, there is always one topic that comes up over and over again that so many parents worry over and struggle to find solutions for.  That topic is sibling relationships.  I’m constantly being asked questions like, “How do I stop the fighting?” “What is considered a normal amount of arguing?”  “How can I help my children get along?”  First, please let me remind you, I’m not a licensed therapist, but I can offer you some guiding principles that I know are true and that I know work based on my own personal experience working with my children and hundreds of other children.  Please consider the following ideas.

It is normal that siblings will disagree, but it is not acceptable that siblings should disrespect, verbally abuse, physically abuse, or do any other behavior that degrades, hurts, or humiliates their siblings.  Of course we all disagree at times, but we must learn and teach our children how to handle disagreements with love and respect and yes, this is possible.  First, we have to raise our expectations in our homes of appropriate behavior.  Second, mom and dad or the adults in the home, have to be the living example of appropriate behavior.  Here are four steps to teach your children how to handle disagreements.  These steps should be discussed every single time there is a disagreement in your home, until going through these steps become “second nature.”  

Step 1:  Recognize there is a disagreement.  Meaning, as soon as we realize that we are having a disagreement with someone, we verbally state it.  At first, this might seem silly or redundant, but it is an important step because when we verbalize this, we’re actually helping to validate one another’s opinion which is often not done in an open disagreement.  It would sound like this.  “So I see that we do not share the same opinion on this.  It looks like you want to watch this, but I would prefer to watch that.” 

Step 2:  Both parties are invited to politely explain their position. This can only take place with soft voices.  This might sound like this: 

Child 1 “I want to watch this, because we haven’t seen it in a long time and the movie you want to watch scares me.  

Child 2 “I really don’t like your movie because I think it’s boring.”

Step 3:  Both parties suggest a solution and then INVITE the other person to agree.  An invitation is very different than a command.  It might sound like this:

Child 1 “Would you be willing to let me watch my movie while you go play with your legos and then you can watch your movie while I go do my homework?”

Child 2  “Would you be willing to let me watch my movie first, since I have scouts tonight and then you can watch your movie while I’m at scouts?”

Step 4:  If we don’t reach an agreement, we both agree that we must move on to another activity with neither person enjoying the first request.  This means that no one gets what they want when no one can make a compromise.

Parents, I would suggest that you make a poster with these steps listed and hang in your home.  On the poster write:  The Four Steps to Solving a Disagreement

Step 1  Recognize

Step 2  Explain

Step 3  Suggest and Invite

Step 4  Move On

Spend some time teaching and role playing these steps with your children until they seem to understand them.  Each time a disagreement arises, walk them to the poster and help them to go through the steps.  Soon, they should do this without your help.  If at any time, voices are raised, ugly words are said, physical contact is made, then the violator must go be alone until they are ready and willing to politely walk through these steps with love and respect.  Parents, never accept your children being ugly towards each other.  Never accept yelling, calling names, mean words, etc.  There are so many adults walking around today with broken relationships with their siblings and it often goes all the way back to the way they treated each other as children. 

Have a great month.

Monica Irvine

Raising Children to Be Happy

Raising children is hard.  If you’re a parent, this is something you know deep down in your bones.  As I go around the country teaching and interacting with young people, I see a few common threads, some are a little discouraging, but many are so full of hope.  What makes me sad is when I meet children and teens who seem to be lacking in so many essential skills to help them to be successful, but mainly to help them to feel good about themselves which is the key to them being successful. These lacking skills are often; self confidence, integrity, charity, empathy, ambition and social skills.  However,  where I find hope even when I see the lack of these skills, is in the children’s desire to learn these skills and make them a part of their lives.  

Once children understand the “payoff” for acquiring these skills, they are usually very interested and even dedicated in mastering these ideas.  Parents, the most important thing for you and I to realize when it comes to helping our children develop these attributes, is to know that our children are not born with them...they MUST be taught by example and by constant discussion and constant praise and reinforcement.  Children want to be proud of who they are.  Children want to make the right choices.  Children want to be good because being good is what helps us to be happy.

So how do we do this?  We must look for opportunities every day to show our children the joy we feel by living these precepts.  Do our children watch us...

• being kind with words and deed to all those we associate with, especially inside the walls of our home
• live a 100% honest life
• do hard things with grace and gratitude, always believing that things will work out
• serve others continually, always looking for opportunities to do for others
• as we NEVER speak unkindly about others, but instead only notice the good that others have to offer
• as we demonstrate impeccable manners, always striving to speak and act in a way that shows how much we value those around us.

Parents, what do we really want?  If you’re like me, you want your children to be happy and successful.  We have to invest everything we have; our time, our energy, our prayers and especially our love into the constant mentoring of our children.  But when we do, we will ultimately have what money and status can never acquire, and that’s happy children.

Have a wonderful month,

Monica Irvine

Let's Not Break our Children's Spirit

Parents, we must stop speaking to our children behind clinched teeth, with angry eyes and cuttingly sharp voices.  

I have seen time and time again and it seems more often these days, parents speaking and handling their children with such contempt and hostility and impatience that it breaks my heart in two.  When we continue to interact and speak with our children without love, patience and sincerity, we are contributing to them growing up as angry, unhappy children who will bear the scares of emotional damage.

We may not think of ourselves as child abusers, but I assure you, if we are continuing to break our children’s spirit, we are indeed child abusers.  We have only a small amount of time, where we have the opportunity to be our children’s heroes.  When they are young, they are so impressionable and want so desperately to please us and to be loved and cherished as we all do.  

Children will react and exemplify the behavior they learn from their parents and care givers, every single time.

I worked in a preschool during college and while there I learned an invaluable lesson.  I had some children in my class who were aggressive, who were often angry and who struggled to have healthy relationships with other children.  In contrast, I had many children who were kind, gentle, happy and content with most situations.  As I met and got to know the parents of all the children, it soon became evident where the children learned their behaviors (please know that I am not speaking about children who suffer with real behavior issues, cognitive disabilities, social disabilities and the like).  What I witnessed was that the parents who were most often aggressively pulling on their children, impatiently removing or putting on coats, threatening to discipline once home, etc. were the ones who had the most aggressive children.

Then I noticed the parents who came in smiling, hugging, being gentle with their children both with their words and tone as well as physically were the parents with the most gentle children.  The softer the parents spoke and behaved, the more kind were the children.  

You may argue against this idea.  You may want to discuss all the variables that can lead to children’s behavior and personality and I know you would have many valuable points and truths.  I also know there are exceptions.  However, regardless of all of that, if we want gentle, kind children, they MUST see it and feel it from us. 

Please, let’s speak with kindness, handle with gentleness, and be much more patient with these beautiful souls entrusted to us. 

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

This of course is a topic approached with sincerity and sensitivity, but one that is important to reflect on with the idea of manners and social graces.  Although we could spend many words on etiquette between the separating spouses, let’s focus on the children and how we can help this difficult transition be as gentle as possible.

Before a separation or divorce, it is respectful and honorable that both parents sit down with their children together and explain what’s happening before one parent decides to move out. 

Children should hear this news from their parents, not other family members or friends.  These moments can be extremely important as it is a time to reassure children of the love that both parents have for them and it sends a message to the children that when it comes to parenting, both parents are willing to set aside their differences and parent their children as a parenting unit.

To a child, divorce or separation (which to them means divorce) ends their world as they know it.

It is usually devastating regardless of the circumstances.  However, as both parents make a commitment to their children in front of each other that they will do their best to NEVER make their children feel like a go-between or like they have to choose one parent over the other, children will feel more secure in the coming changes.  Children do not need to be involved in issues they can’t understand.  

Statistics show that even when there is abuse, most children want their parents to stay together, reminding all of us of the uncertainty and devastation that children feel when their parents separate.

Statistics also show that children who appear to have the most success and have the least amount of reported trauma stemming from a divorce, are those who continue to have a healthy relationship with both parents after the divorce.

Relationships are nurtured with quality time spent together and when visits with parents are without fear of offense to the other parent.  

As each parent encourages their children to love the other parent, these children will tend to be more open about their true feelings regarding the divorce, new relationships their parents have and other important family dynamics.  Trying to convince a child why they should withhold their love, time or attention to a parent is a sure way to cause confusion, guilt and bitterness in children (I am not speaking of circumstances where one parent is guilty of abuse towards a child.  That is another circumstance all together that calls for special council and considerations).

This is by no means the only advice to offer on this subject.  I would encourage both parents to seek advice from people who the children’s best interest at heart and clergy and sociologist are always a good resource.  Sometimes we tend to take advice from our friends who have a hard time discerning between their loyalty to us and what’s really best.  

Here are a few other things to consider:

• Having consistent rules between both houses is very beneficial for the children.  Rules should stay as they were when both parents lived together to limit the changes the children have to endure.
• NEVER allow a child to hear one parent speaking negatively about the other parent.  Children tend to associate themselves with their parents and regardless of what one parent does, they continue to love them.  When children hear their parents speak negatively about the other parent, they feel hurt and betrayal by even being privy to the conversation.  Please don’t place any child in this situation.
• Stop asking.  “Quizzing” a child regarding what they did, who they did it with, what they ate, etc. regarding their visit with the other parent is crossing the line of abuse in my opinion.  Children are not that naive.  This makes children extremely uncomfortable, causes them increased stress and can cause them to “shut down” and become withdrawn as a defensive mechanism.

Let’s make sure we do not cause any child one more ounce of stress, pain and hurt than is already caused by the loss of the life as they knew it.  Encourage them to love their parents.  Be happy when they have a happy, healthy relationship with each parent.  Allow them to love, uninhibited, so that they are secure with our dedication to their happiness.

Have a great month.

Monica Irvine

a.k.a. Mary Manners

Speaking Positive About our Children

I pray that your summer was everything you wanted it to be.  Mostly, I pray that you found yourself counting your many blessings and feeling grateful for families.  I want to talk about how we interact with our children this month.  I know we’ve touched on this subject before, but I feel that we can’t speak of it enough.  As I visited the malls, restaurants and busy areas through the summer, I heard many comments that stung my heart.  So here we go.

I was standing speaking to a lady as her children were standing behind her.  The children became a little noisy (I thought perfectly acceptable since the mom and I had been yapping for sometime), but the mom turned to her children and said in a very frustrated tone, “Why are you all so rude?  Can I not have one conversation without my children acting like wild animals?”  Her children just looked down, obviously humiliated, and then she turned to finish the conversation with me.  She then said to me, “My children sometimes have manners but you would never know it today.  They embarrass me quite often.”  I told her I was impressed that her children stood quietly as long as they did and quickly told her I must hurry off.  We then went our separate ways.  Now before you say, “What’s the big deal?” let me plead my case.  It is never, never, never OK to embarrass or humiliate our children, especially in front of others.  I know we’ve spoken about not correcting our children in front of others, but that also means we never speak anything but praises about our children to others when our children are present.

This world we and our children live in today is not always the nicest place with the nicest people.  I know that our children are faced almost every day with ugliness, rudeness, teasing, bullying, and many more unpleasant things.  It is our obligation and pleasure to everyday think of how we can “build up” our children.  One way we do this is always speaking kindly of them to others.  Now I don’t mean that you’re going to go around “bragging all day” about all your child’s accomplishments but YES, let your children hear you praise them.  NEVER tell others when your children our present of how you are disappointed or frustrated with them.  These conversations should be private between you and your children in the spirit of correction with love.  Remember, it’s OK to correct, but it must be done in private.

I’ve heard moms say in front of their children things like:

“Oh, he’s not my smartest child.” or
“I do wish she didn’t have her grandmother’s nose.”  or
“He’s not very athletic but we’re hoping he excels in music.”  or
“She can be very manipulative, but we’re really watching her these days.”

Please stop!!!!  Please don’t ever speak unkindly or announce your children’s faults in the presence of your children.  Children want others to believe that they are perfect in the eyes of their parents.  They know they’re not really perfect and they know that you know they’re not, but it is a betrayal if a parent announces these hurtful comments in front of their children.

We have to guard our children’s hearts as if they are the most special, the most fragile, and the most lovely thing about our children.  Please be so careful with your words.  I am guilty of this blunder myself as I’m sure we all are.  Let’s just be more careful and strive to find and announce all our children’s strengths, so that they know we love them and that we are so proud of them.  This gives them the confidence they need to face the world.    As we strive to build them up, they will strive to continue to please us.  It’s the true nature of parent/children relationships.

Have a great month!
Monica Irvine
a.k.a. Mary Manners

Taking Advantage: A Form of Dishonesty

This is a subject that gets me a little "hot under the collar," if you know what I mean: taking advantage of others.  As I hope we understand by now, true etiquette means being considerate of others.

Taking advantage of someone else is the most impolite behavior one can demonstrate. 

As I've stated before, I think it is so important that we are very detail oriented when trying to teach our children important principles.  For instance, when trying to teach our children to be honest, it's important that we use many examples, so that our children understand that dishonesty is more that not telling a lie.

Taking advantage of another person, or a situation is a form of dishonesty.  

Let's make sure our children understand the different "looks" of dishonesty, so that they can pride themselves in striving to be honest and polite in every way.

So often, we get upset with our children, because they do not react or behave in a certain way. We assume that if we’ve told them to be polite, that they know what’s not polite. However, I’ve learned that if we want a certain behavior, it’s helpful to make sure we have given our children the tools, the words, the understanding, so they know exactly what is expected of them and why it is to their advantage when they meet those expectations.

“Taking advantage,” a form of dishonesty, can be demonstrated in many different circumstances. I will mention a few examples.

When we take advantage of someone due to their lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence, lack of understanding, or lack of means (abilities), we are in the wrong.

When we take advantage of someone due to their weakened emotional state, extreme compassion or any other condition that makes them vulnerable (weak) in making a logical and sensible decision, we are in the wrong. For instance, asking our grandma, who has a very difficult time telling her grandchildren “No,” to buy us an expensive item (even though we know she does not have a lot of money), is taking advantage of her. Likewise, when someone gives us too much back in “change” after a transaction, failing to give the money back or to inform the person of their error is taking advantage of their lack of knowledge or awareness. Once again, this type of behavior is impolite and shows poor character.

Yet another example occurs when we do not disclose all relevant information that someone would need to make a proper decision. An example of this would be failing to give our parents all the details of a planned “outing” with friends. This is taking advantage and is a form of dishonesty.

This can be a very informative and interesting discussion with your children. Most children think that being dishonest is telling a lie. However, as we age and mature, hopefully, we understand that dishonestly can be exhibited in many forms.

Discuss with your children using many examples of different forms of dishonesty such as taking advantage of others, withholding information, being secretive, avoiding responsibilities, etc. Allow your children to discuss and understand why these behaviors are examples of dishonesty and the opposite of proper manners.

Love those children by teaching them correct principles. Have a great month.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
President/The Etiquette Factory