How to Handle Unwanted Physical Affection

We teach our children to be kind, to be polite, to not hurt others feelings. Then, all of a sudden, our children become adolescents and often, someone starts attempting to give them physical attention. In the back of our child's mind they might be thinking, "I have to be kind. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings." 

This places them at risk to accept the physical affection because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make the other person feel awkward. 

Parents, this is dangerous. We can't expect our children to know how to react in these situations if we don't have serious discussions with them and make sure they know what is appropriate. 

Of course, we teach our children to be kind but we should also be teaching young boys and girls that your body is your private personal space and no one should cross over into it without your permission.

Etiquette rule: A lady and a gentleman do not show physical affection to someone of the opposite sex in a casual relationship without the other person's permission.

I once was teaching a group of young teens and we talked about this etiquette skill in the class. Afterward I had a young lady come up and ask my advice on a situation. She told me, “Every Wednesday night I go to my church's youth group and at the end of the service the minister stands at the back door where we all leave and he gives us all a hug goodbye. I know that he's just trying to show how much he cares about us and he doesn't mean anything inappropriate by doing so. But, I don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable.” 

She truly believed he had the best intentions but she said, " I don't know how not to when everyone else is doing it."

This is such a common question I get from teenage girls, women, and even young men and husbands.

How did I answer that young girl? I told her that her minister shouldn't be doing that. It's not appropriate. I told her that next time her minister tried to hug her, all she had to do is take one step back and extend her hand for a handshake. Or, if she would rather, she could give him a "high five." There would be a chance that there would be an awkward moment and the minister might say something like, "What? You don't like hugs?" 

There is always that chance but we have to teach our children to have confidence and be brave.

What helps children have confidence is understanding that it's not impolite for them to refrain from hugs. That it's their decision what they want to do with their body and the other person should respect that.

Parents, we have got to equip our sons and daughters with the confidence and the skills to be able to know how to handle unwanted physical affection. 

For more resources and a more in depth discussion on this and more check out our Dating Guide for Ladies and Gentleman HERE.

4 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Teen

There's so many different things I could talk about when it comes to raising teens. When it comes to parenting, I like to focus on our relationships. I know that our happiness in this life is completely wrapped up in our relationship with God and our relationship with our family. My goal is to help you build and strengthen your relationships with your teenagers. They are growing up and forming their own thoughts and opinions. This causes some tension between children and parents as this is a big transitioning phase. These are some tips to make sure your relationship stays strong throughout these moments.

1. You are Your Child's Biggest Cheerleader

Now let's think about a Football game. What is the cheerleaders purpose? To bring motivation and strength and cheer on the players. This should be your role as your children go through the game of life. They need you because in the game of life, it gets very difficult and there's lots of challenges and  surprises and things that set you back. That's where you come in cheering “You got this!” letting your children know that you are here for them, through thick and thin, through all the setbacks and losses. You are here to support them.

A cheerleader is someone that brings joy. Is that how your children envision you, as their cheerleader? Are you the one person always pulling for them no matter what? Are you there building them back up and always ready to comfort? Are you doing this with joy and positivity? 

2. Criticizing vs Counseling 

Being critical damages relationships while counseling strengthens trust. We all know what it feels like when someone is critical of us. Being critical means to condemn, to insult, to point out someone's flaws for no other purpose, but to point out someone else's flaws. Sometimes, as parents, we mix up being critical with parenting. 

Parenting is to counsel and correct our children, but we should never correct without showing a better way. There should always be a purpose behind our correction. 

When I think of counseling, I think of someone who gently makes suggestions to me and helps me talk through the decisions I make. That's our role in our child's life, to be good listeners and then ask really good questions to help them sift through their different thoughts. That is so important because, especially with teens, it’s important for them to become independent thinkers. That’s divine design. God created us all to be independent thinkers and to have free agency. 

3. Help Teens Plan Fun Activities

Teenagers enjoy spending time with their friends and I don’t blame them. That's exactly what I wanted to do when I was their age. The problem lies in periods of time where there are too many unplanned activities. Meaning, we want our kids to be actively engaged in any activity. 

For example this was a conversation my son and I would have often.

This happened a lot. I would make little suggestions and then my son would go and have fun with the idea.

Why is this important? Planning fun, safe activities help our kids learn to be responsible and how to follow through with things. For instance, going along with the bonfire example, my son now feels in charge of and responsible for the activity. Then, next thing you know he’s got to collect firewood and make sure the outside chairs are clean and possibly setting up a screen for a movie. 

It would always end up being a much better experience when everything was planned out. The more planned an activity, the safer it tended to be. My son and his friends never had much money so they had to get a bit creative with what they planned. A lot of their ideas I have incorporated into my book Dating Guide for Ladies & Gentlemen. 

4. Get To Know Their Friends

Now parents, we can't do this unless we spend time with them. That's where we have to make a commitment to create a home where our children and their friends feel welcome. That may look like having a shelf in the kitchen designated only for cheap snacks so when friends come over, there's planned snacks. (Trust me your pocketbook will thank you.) 

Beyond that, we need to talk to them, really talk to them. When is the last time you sat with your child's friend and asked them what's making them happy in life? What is stressing them out?  What are their goals? Really knowing his friends well, made it easier to sit down and talk with my son about his life and the people in it. We would talk about what his friends were up to, what they were going through and ponder how we could help them. 

Sit down and discuss with your spouse how you can make your home feel welcoming and make sure your kids friends don't feel like a burden when they visit but rather cherished and loved. It will make all the difference and greatly affect how much time your children spend in your home.

For more suggestions listen to my podcast HERE I give even more examples and stories to help you be the best parent you can be.

Embarrassment: An Etiquette No-No

I'm going to discuss a subject I believe we can all probably improve on - using embarrassment to try to persuade others to perform or meet our objectives.

I work with teenagers, and oftentimes, when I ask them questions about their lives, they share things about school, family, and relationships.  One issue they share with me a little too often, meaning it's happening a little too often, is adults using "embarrassment" in order to get teens to do things, behave better, study harder, perform at higher levels of achievement, etc.

Recently a teen shared a situation that happened in her math class. She said that her teacher called on a young lady to answer a question.  When she didn't know the answer, the teacher reportedly became frustrated and asked the student to stand up and explain why she didn't know the answer.  The teacher said she was going to write a three-page essay explaining why she didn't know the answer and then informed her that she needed her mom's phone number so she could call and discuss this with her. She capped off the lecture with, "It looks like you need to go back to middle school."

Perhaps some of these details would be reported differently from a different witness to the event.  I don't know, because I wasn't there myself.  However, here's what I do know.

It is NEVER productive to humiliate and embarrass others when trying to inspire them to perform better.

If showing good manners means that we act and speak in a way that shows value to others, then embarrassing them would be the complete opposite of that goal.

Once we engage in this type of behavior, we lose the respect of those around us.  Without respect, we can't motivate others, people don't care whether they please us or not, and we can't inspire people to want to change.  We cripple our ability to lead others to succeed when we don't have their respect and admiration.

We all have wonderful memories of teachers, youth leaders, and adult friends who truly inspired us, made us want to work harder, study more, and achieve greater things.  What was so special about them?  For me, they were the teachers, leaders, and parents that I knew cared about me and want me to achieve, learn and grow.  They bent over backwards to help me succeed.

Whether we're teaching, parenting, or working in any position of leadership, we must ask ourselves why we're here.

Do we really care and want to help, inspire, motivate, and change? 

 If so, remember to always use respect and honor to those around us.  We'll never receive what we're not willing to give.

Monica

Guarding Against a Condescending Tone & Words

The deal with “Condescending”

I want to talk about a topic that I think we as parents need to guard against...speaking with a condescending tone to our children (or anyone for that matter, because our children are listening).  

The definition of condescending is: having or showing a feeling of patronizing (believing that we are more intelligent or better than others) superiority. 

Basically, it’s really a “slap” in the face.

Let me describe the unspoken or spoken messages we are sending to whom we are speaking to when we use condescending language or tone.  They are:

I can’t believe you would be stupid enough to say (do) that!

Surely you don’t really believe that is true?

Do you literally have no idea regarding consequences?

I however, would never do (say) such a thing.

I am never guilty of such an offense.

and the list goes on.

Here, allow me to give you a few examples:

Child helping dad wash the car.  Dad looks at the front where child has washed and says, “Really!!  So I guess you think bugs on the car is considered clean!”  What does child hear?  “You are so stupid that you can’t even get bugs off the car.  I can’t believe that’s the best you can do.”  Instead, Dad could have said, “Hey man, yeah that front is tough to wash.  Let me show you a little trick I use to get those nasty bugs off.  Let’s see if it works for you too.”  Difference...child now wants to do better, instead of feeling humiliated.

Mom is helping child write a paragraph for English class.  Child is mis-spelling words and failing at making complete sentences.  Mom says, “Honey!  I can’t believe you’re misspelling simple words.  You should know these.  This doesn’t even make sense.  I thought you already learned what makes a complete sentence.”  What does child hear?  You fail at writing so why try.  Instead, Mom could have said, “It took me a while to figure out the difference between the different ways to spell “there”.  Let me draw a picture for you to see if it helps.....”  Difference...instead of child becoming exasperated due to the multiple corrections, the child can feel accomplished when they understand the one grammar rule thus leading to confidence to move on to second rule.

Parents, let’s watch our tone.  

Speaking with compassion and respect to our children creates a greater desire to learn and obey.  If our children hear negative “unspoken” messages too often or for too long, then we will have no one to blame but ourselves when we hear our children speaking this way to others and when our relationship with them as adults is not what we would hope.  

Start today.

Monica Irvine

Lack of Respect for Sacred Things

If we’re not careful, we are going to raise a generation who do not understand respect for sacred things.  Recently, I was at a Memorial of an event that took place on American soil where many innocent lives were lost.  I was really shocked to see several people and children behaving very inappropriately on such sacred ground.  Parents were allowing their children to run and jump while laughing and screaming.  Teens were busy taking “selfies” while smiling and laughing in front of monuments.  Adults had their cellphones ringing with loud obnoxious ring tones.  I was thinking...”What are we thinking?  How have we become so flippant about such sacred things?”

Parents, we must do better.  We have got to be better examples and help our children to understand the value of life, sacrifice, loss, honor, respect, sacredness.  

It starts when they are very young.  It starts by the way we teach them to use hushed tones and quiet behavior when visiting sacred places.  And just because a place is not sacred to us, does not mean we don’t show respect to those who do view it as sacred.  That’s what respect is.  It means showing that we value the feelings of others through our behavior and words.

Also recently, a young teen received thousands of “hate mail” messages after she posted a “selfie” of herself smiling in front of the ruins of a War World ll concentration camp.  She had no idea that posing and smiling in front of such a horrible reminder of so much pain was inappropriate.  

Once we loose sight of honoring our history, of honoring our heritage and honoring places that others view sacred or holy, then we truly will have become an uncivil society.  

This must be an ongoing conversation with our children.  Start by taking your children to places that represent history and beforehand, study about what took place there, so that they can try to grasp why we visit it and why it is important to remember these people and places that helped shape our world.

A society in danger of loosing their way is a society that is quick to forget the past.  I hope we can all make a better effort in making sure that we pass on to our children a love and admiration for sacred things and may we all be humble enough to understand the importance of it.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Obeying First Request

Obeying First Request

How do we teach our children to obey our first request and why is this important?  Many parents struggle with getting their children to respond to their request and once we allow this behavior to continue, then the power struggle really begins.  At first, as you read this you might think that it sounds like I’m supporting the idea of parents being tyrants.  Actually, what I’m supporting is the idea that when we allow our children the option of not obeying our first request, we are doing them a great disservice.  

Parents, if your goals are like my goals, they include the idea of teaching my children to respect authority, cope with hard things, learn to succeed and find the joy in meeting expectations.  All of these skills serve to help our children to be more happy and to continue on their journey to self mastery.  If our children do not obey our first request, there is only one person or couple to blame...US.  Parents, it is due to our inconsistency, our lack of organization and our lack of properly informing our children that we struggle with this issue.  Please allow me to give you a few ideas to help your children learn how to obey “First Request” so that they can have the confidence and the self respect that they need to be happy.

Before we approach our children, mom and dad or parent, has to come together and make sure they are on the “same page.”  This will not work if there is division between parents, especially if these parents are living in the same home.  What needs to be decided is what will be the consequences when our children do not obey our first request.  There DOES NOT need to be a “warning,” “first offense,” and “final offense.”  There should be only one consequence and that is the consequence EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Once that is agreed upon (I recommend extra chores, privileges being taken away, etc.), then it’s time to sit down with our children and the conversation can go something like this:

“Kids, we sure love you.  We are so proud of all the good things that you do.  You are helpful, you are kind and we are really so proud of who you are.  Your mom and I need to help you become better at something and that is obeying our first request.  It is important that you are respectful and obedient when your mom and I ask you to do something.  Here’s what we expect: when your mother or I ask you to do something, we want you to answer us with ‘Yes Ma’am’ or ‘Yes Sir,’ then we want you to stop what you are doing and complete what we have asked you to do.  We will at times, try to be sensitive to what you are doing and might ask you to complete something within a certain period of time,  but at other times, if we do not specify a time period, that means we expect you to do it immediately.  Let’s practice right now.”  (roll play a couple of times).  “Great, I knew you all could do this.  Now, I hope that we never have to give you the consequence for not obeying this request, but if you do choose to ignore our request, then this is going to be the consequence every single time.  Do you understand what we are asking of you?  Do you have any questions?  Great.  Your Mom and I are excited to watch you be successful in obeying our first request.”

I realize that you will decide how you will introduce this concept and how you want your children to respond, but please be as specific as possible so that your children know exactly what is expected of them.  As you are consistent, your family will have more peace, more love and more time to have fun.  Try it and see.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Unwanted Physical Contact

Let’s get on to our subject this month.  The topic comes as a result of an experience I had a month ago.  I was in Cincinnati speaking to a group of about 500 teenagers (because I’m on a mission).  After I spoke, I had 4 teenage girls come up to be separately and asked me the same question.  I was really surprised that four different girls would have the same question.  That’s when I knew we had a problem and it’s was time to solve it.

The question was, “What do I do when a boy or man tries to hug me and I don’t want to be hugged?”  These four girls all had personal experiences where a man or boy tried to show physical affection to them in the form of a hug.  Interestingly, all four girls each admitted that they didn’t think the show of affection was of any inappropriate nature.  They just simply did not feel comfortable with it.  So, let’s learn the etiquette rule.

It is not polite for a gentleman to show physical affection to a lady without permission or without it being requested in casual relationships.

What does this mean?  It means that men, young or old, should never approach a lady and offer physical contact without the lady initiating the contact.  For instance, when a gentleman and a lady meet for the first time, it is the ladies’ decision whether to extend her hand and shake hands with the gentleman.  If the lady does not extend her hand, then the gentleman simply stands with his hands to his side and nods his head while he verbalizes the introduction.

This also means that gentlemen never just go up and hug a lady, young or old.  Realizing that most hugs are just friendly ways to show our affection and admiration for others, it is simply not appropriate for a man or boy to initiate this behavior.

One of the girls I previously spoke about, told me that her preacher often hugged members of the congregation, and that when he approached her, she was embarrassed to tell him that she wasn’t comfortable with hugs, especially when everyone else seemed OK with it.

Think about the deli-ma that we place young girls and women in.  All our lives as women, we are encouraged to be polite, to not hurt other’s feelings, to be sensitive to others.  Yet, we’re expected to know how to handle it when we’re placed in an uncomfortable situation, and not be rude.  What are we supposed to do?

We can start by teaching our boys and reminding our gentlemen of this etiquette rule.  I realize that they’re probably aren’t many men or young teens who wish to cause young ladies discomfort.  It’s usually just a man’s way of being friendly.  I have recently had to have this same conversation with my own teenage son.

I was so glad that these young girls brought up this deli-ma to give us a chance to talk about it and make sure that we are  all sensitive to it.  Physical affection is meant to shared between more intimate relationships.  I’m not saying it’s rude to hug others.  I personally love hugs.  However, we have to make sure that we recognize that although we may be comfortable with an in-particular behavior, that doesn’t mean everyone else is and if we’re trying to have proper etiquette, then are focus is always on helping others to feel comfortable.

If you’re wondering what my advice to the young ladies was, I told them that the next time a gentleman tried to hug them unannounced or unwelcomed, to simply turn, pop up a “high five” and say, “You know, a ‘high-five’ is good enough for me.”  Hopefully, they’ll get the message.
Have a great month.  Don’t you be hugging people who don’t want your ‘stinkin’ hugs.

Very best,
Monica Irvine
a.k.a.  Mary Manners