Bearing One Another's Burdens by Listening Without Judgement

This topic of, bearing one another’s burdens, actually comes from a chapter in our book, “Raising a Generation of Ladies and Gentlemen.” This also comes from scripture. The idea is that we have a responsibility to one another to help carry one another's burdens. 

We all have our favorite people that we like to talk to and one of those people for me was my grandmother. She was an incredible listener. I’m not quite sure how she did it, I've tried to think about it. Was it the way she looked at me? Was it the way that she tilted her head whenever I was telling her something? Was it because she never really offered me advice? She really didn't. I can't remember my grandma after confining in her a problem I was having ever saying, “Well, Monica, I think you need to do this.” Nevertheless, after I would talk to her about my problems, I felt better. Also, a lot of times as I discussed things with her, at the end of the conversation I would have some ideas about things I might could do to help fix the problem. As I've thought about that over the years, I think her gift was just listening.

I never felt like she was judging me because as you can imagine as a teenager, I made a lot of crazy mistakes and I'm sure as I sat there telling her my dilemmas that deep down she was going, “Oh dear gracious child, how could you be so dumb?” But boy, she never made me feel that way. She just listened. I just knew she loved me and that she just wanted to show her love to me, and so she listened. I know that one of the greatest gifts we can give to others carrying burdens is to listen.

Now, that’s easier said than done, to listen without judgment is hard. It’s hard not to get animated or emotional when we see people we love making foolish decisions. However, typically, I haven't changed my behavior based on someone telling me, “Monica, that was so foolish. You should have done this, or you need to do this.” Usually, that's not what made me go, “Hey, you're right. I should do it this way.” Usually we come to our own determination after making mistakes, learning the hard way. Sometimes even listening to others experiences, and what they've learned, is a great way to grow, but usually we have to be ready to change our behavior.

Learning how to listen without judging others, learning how to listen without quickly jumping into wanting to give people advice is a great gift and a way that we can help carry other people's burdens. Probably if my children, hard me telling you all that we need to listen without giving advice, they would laugh at that because I give my children lots of advice. I am trying so hard not to give my adult children advice. It's a struggle that I am trying every week to get better about that. I know that my children and those that I love, respond to me the best when I listen without jumping to advice.

Often when we are in trouble, we typically don't want or need other people to solve our problems. However, like you’ve probably have heard me say before, it feels really good when people say things like, “Monica, I am so sorry that you're going through that. That makes me so sad that your family is struggling or that you're having to carry this burden.” It feels good just to know that people care. That is another way we can carry and bear one another's burdens, just showing that when they're sad, we're sad, and when they suffer, we suffer, because that's what we do when we love one another.

I heard a quote very recently and it said “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble and you will be right more than half the time.” I thought that was such an interesting quote and I bet you that that quote is correct.

Anytime we're interacting with anyone, whether it's people that we know or people that we don't know, more than likely we're surrounded by several people who are in serious trouble. Maybe serious trouble with their marriage, serious trouble with their faith, serious trouble with their child, serious trouble at work or with a serious illness or a serious emotional need. 

If we could see those burdens, would we act differently? If only there was a bubble above everyone's head that listed the burdens that they were currently carrying. For example, if we could see that when we're waiting in the post office line, this lady in front of us was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago, her mother is in failing health, she has a wayward son, et cetera, et cetera. If we had those bubbles above our head, do you think we would treat each other a little differently? Do you think we would be a little kinder? Do you think we would be more quick to smile and say “Hello, how are you?” Do you think it would change the way we treat one another? 

Just because we can't see those bubbles doesn’t mean those burdens aren’t there. They are there.

I'm a visual person, and so for me it helps me to imagine those bubbles when I interact with people, it helps me to think, “I wonder what their bubble would say.” That doesn't mean I need to know what their bubble would say, but I bet you they’ve got a bubble and I bet you there's some things written in it.

So as we interact with others, if we treat others as if they're in trouble, we probably would be right. Not just half of the time, but most of the time.

Get to Know Me and How The Etiquette Factory Began

Hello, and welcome, my name is Monica Irvine and I am the president of The Etiquette Factory. My goal is to help you be the best parents that you can be and to encourage you and lift you up. I hope to learn from you. I hope that you leave lots of comments and lots of suggestions, and I look forward to the wisdom and insight that you can give me as well.

I want to tell you a little bit about myself, for those of you who don't know me, I'm getting older. I'm 50 years old, and you would think with good etiquette, we don't tell our age to one another, but you might as well know. I am a mom and a wife and a grandmother and life is good. I'm married to a man named, Charles Irvine, and we are coming up on our 27th anniversary this August. Of course, 27 years, that's a big deal. It's a big deal that we've been walking hand in hand through this marriage journey. We don't have a perfect marriage, but it is a perfect marriage for me. Charles is my biggest fan. I often thank the Lord for giving me this man who supports me, loves me, encourages me, and cheers for me, and really is my greatest supporter. That is just such a blessing and I always am and will forever be so grateful for that. I also love that after 26 years, we're still in love. Well, at least I'm still in love with him, let's hope that he's still in love with me. I’m just looking forward to 25 more years. We have fun together. One thing about Charles and I is we enjoy just being together, we laugh a lot, and we just like the same kinds of things. We have a lot in common and he's someone that I love to spend time with and that's a great blessing.

I'm also a mom, we've got three boys in our family. When I married Charles, he had these two adorable little boys named, Chad and Tanner. So they've been in my life for a long time and we also have a son between us named Sawyer. Our boys are 33, 30, and 23. So, they're all out of the house and living their own lives and doing lots of really wonderful things and we're so proud of each of them. They bring us a lot of joy. 

Also, I am blessed with two beautiful granddaughters! I finally have someone to play tea party with and someone to share my dolls, barbies and girl stuff with. Things that I kept my whole life. So I'm just really enjoying being a grandmother and having a little girls to play with, and to be "girly" with.

Now I want to tell you a little bit about The Etiquette Factory. The Etiquette Factory is kind of my baby. It's my other child. It's a big part of my life. It's my passion and it's what has allowed me to mentor and come into contact with the thousands of parents that I have met over the past years. I want to tell you a little bit about how I started with the etiquette factory so that you get to know my thought process and what I'm passionate about. 

My youngest, Sawyer went through the fourth grade in public school and then I took him out, and started homeschooling him in fifth grade. Now, I want you to know that I never intended to home school. In fact, even when Sawyer started kindergarten, I remember this thought of homeschooling kept coming to my mind. Every time it would come up, I would just as quickly as possible get it out of my mind because I did not want to do that. I thought that was crazy, and only crazy people did that. I wanted no part of that. Plus, it wasn't just that I thought that I was not capable of homeschooling my child, but I thought I would ruin his life if I tried to home school him, and that's a whole other story. The point of this story is I was homeschooling him, and that's how The Etiquette Factory started.

When Sawyer was in fifth grade, we started studying about George Washington. In the process of learning about our first president, we came across George Washington's rules of civility and decent behavior. If you have never read those little rules, I highly encourage you to Google them and read them. Basically, when George Washington was around 13 years old, he was being mentored by a minister at the time, and that minister encouraged him to brush up on his chivalry skills. There's 110 chivalry rules that, the history books say, George Washington recorded out of a French book on etiquette. As far as I can see in the research I've done, it looks like we don't know exactly who the original author is of those 110 chivalry skills was, but what we do know is that we found that list in President Washington's handwriting. So we do know that at some point, he did actually write out all of those 110 chivalry skills. They are beautiful. They're written in old English, so yes, you have to get the dictionary out for a few of them, and there's some funny ones. 

For example, one of my favorites, and I'm summarizing here, is, "It's not polite to remove lice from your companion in public,." Which I thought was very good advice. Most of the skills are timeless. And as I was reading these skills, something just really moved inside me. I thought they were so beautiful and I thought, wow, what would it mean for our society to live these skills still today?

As I read those skills, I saw that we don't live many of them anymore. I guess, we've gotten a little lazy when it comes to chivalry. Maybe we just don't think they're as important anymore and so we have let our guard down and maybe we’ve become more casual with the way that we interact with one another. 

Of course, what I was most interested in was teaching Sawyer to have impeccable manners. I already knew that people who have impeccable manners have more opportunities before them. Today, whenever you do meet someone with really good manners, whether it's a young person or even an adult, you're kind of taken aback. It's like, "Whoa, what planet did you just come from?" You're intrigued with it and impressed with it. So I really wanted to give Sawyer those things and I saw that he was missing some skills.

You know how sometimes you'll watch your kids do something, and you'll ask yourself, “Okay, have I really not taught them to do that? I cannot believe they just thought that was okay to do.” I was having some of those moments, maybe more often than I wanted. I just saw that we had some lapses and we needed to brush up on these skills. So, as a home school mom, I wanted to find a curriculum that taught my son manners. Manners for the 21st century, I guess is what I was looking for. As I started looking for something that taught manners in a very organized approach, I could not find anything. However, I did find in my investigation that I could go through etiquette training and become a certified etiquette instructor.

There were a couple of different schools around the nation and they're more industry driven. So, I thought, well, if I learned myself then surely that would help me teach Sawyer some more etiquette skills. So that's exactly what I did. But the more I learned, the more excited I became about teaching this to not only my children but to other children. And so that's exactly what I did. The first thing I did after a year and a half of training is, I started running Manners camps for kids. Really, the truth is the first summer when I scheduled all of these manners camps, I didn't know if anyone would pay me $1 to send their kids to manners camp. However, I knew I would pay someone a lot of money to teach my son manners.

So I thought, “maybe there's more than just me.” And what was so interesting is after about two months of marketing, five of my six camps had a waiting list. That's when I knew I was not the only person searching for help. That launched The Etiquette Factory, and the rest is history. It's just been the most rewarding journey. Sometimes I sit back and I look at all of the products that we've developed and I can’t believe it. 

We've got educators in eight countries and 14 States that run The Etiquette Factory in their city or in their country. Some of them are just doing amazing things. I remember the first time I was emailed this little video and an image of these children in Nigeria who were singing The Etiquette Factory songs.

I was so moved, I was brought to tears thinking that this is worldwide, these skills are being taught around the world. These are so universal, even though, yes, there's some cultural differences, but most of these skills are universal. 

I wanted to quickly close by giving you my definition of etiquette because this is so important. The definition that we use at The Etiquette Factory is, etiquette, or manners is helping those around us to feel valued and to feel comfortable. It's an outward expression of how we feel on the inside. That's what I would like to share with the world and what I would like to help you share with your children.

Let's Remember our Etiquette When we Fly

Let's discuss some airplane etiquette...for the sake of us all :)

--If you have a cold or allergies, please make sure you have a cloth or handkerchief that you can sneeze into. Your hand or turning or head to the side is really not ok when on a plane due to the extremely close proximity to others. Please plan ahead.

--If your child is with you, regardless of how difficult it is, you really must keep their little feet off of the seat in front of them. Truly, it is so uncomfortable to be sitting with constant little kicks in your back for hours on end. Now, with that said, those of us sitting in front of those little feet, please do not ever allow yourself to feel anger towards a child. They are innocent and are never doing anything with the purpose of making you miserable. Have patience and love in your heart, even though it's bothersome.

--When you are talking, be aware of the volume of your voice. Literally, we need to speak in HUSHED TONES on an airplane. People are traveling for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they have been traveling for more than 20 hours. Sometimes they are going to or coming from a funeral of a loved one. Sometimes they are traveling for treatment for a chronic illness. It is NOT polite to be loud and boisterous with our conversation or laugh when in such close proximity to others. PLEASE, BE AWARE OF YOUR VOLUME. 

--There's no reason to be mad because the person in front of you decides to recline their seat. People, that's just part of it. Reclining your seat can help so much and it's simply a feature on most planes. Deal with it and quit or grumbling.

--When it's time to leave the plane, the protocol is that each isle exits in the order of the isle. If you're in the back, yep, you're going to be waiting a while. It's just part of it. If you want to leave sooner, you've got to pay for the seats up front. it's just that simple.

--For this one, I'm not saying never, but what I will say is please know that bringing food on the plane that is "high odor" is not the most polite thing to do to other guest. Meaning, bringing on a burger smothered in grilled onions so everyone on the plane has to endure your onions while you eat them, is not being sensitive to others. If you have to bring food onto a plane, consider foods that are not high in odor. Turkey sandwiches are great :)

--Finally, please be sensitive to little ones around you when considering the media you choose to watch while flying. Yes, I know it's a free country and yes, I know you have the right to watch whatever you want to, but just because we have the right, does not mean that we should. If you know there are young people around you, I would hope that you would not watch anything extremely graphic or that has nudity. We all have a responsibility to protect the innocent always and at all times, regardless of whose they are.

Happy Flying!!

Being Positive Can Save Your Life

I hope you all are having a fabulous month and looking forward to another week, blessed with time.  Time to share, time to love, time to talk and time to count our many blessings.  Well, I know it sounds like I’m being all happy and joyful right now and actually, there’s a reason for this behavior.  Did you know that it is polite to be positive, which means it is impolite to be negative.  Well....it is!

Sometimes, I want to shout at the top of my lungs to certain people to, “Stop Complaining!!!!!”  Yes, I know things are hard and difficult and uncertain right now and I’m feeling those things too, but how in the world does it help any of us to go around complaining, whining and fussing about all the gloom and doom in the world?  It helps nothing.  I know that there are people who suffer at a level that I cannot even relate to and never will.  My heart hurts knowing others have to suffer so.  However, I know that in order to help uplift each other and support each other, we have got to become more positive.  

We Americans, forget too easily the blessings we enjoy.  We are becoming so hard and cynical towards our elected officials, our way of life, our future.  Yes, of course we’ve got problems, some very big ones, but let’s stop complaining and let’s become a part of the solution.  

Ladies and gentleman are:

1. people who look for the positive in all things
2. people who see adversity and know that this is a time to triumph
3. people who refuse to give up, complain or fail
4. people who are more concerned with their neighbors’ troubles, than their own
5. people who smile regardless of their day, so that they can help others to feel safe and comforted
6. people who look at troubled times as an opportunity to show compassion
7. people who ask themselves, “What can I do to change this situation?” and then do it
8. people who ask themselves, “What can’t I  change in this situation?” and then forget it
9. people who know that greatness comes from trying
10. people who know that a positive attitude can not only change your day, but the day of everyone around you

May we all strive to be more positive and more cheerful.  Remember, true etiquette comes when our focus is on lifting those around us.  Why can staying positive save your life?  Because, it gives you your life back--the good life.  Try it and see!

Happy thoughts,

Monica Irvine

a.k.a. Mary Manners
#MannersMatter #StayPositive  #TeachingManners  #MannersforKids

A Warning to Parents--Be Careful How Your Children Hear You Discussing the Kavanaugh Situation

Over the past couple of days, I have been horrified at the comments I have seen and heard through social media and news outlets as well as comments from people I know.  Regardless of who is telling the truth in this situation between Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh, let’s make sure that we are not sending the wrong message to our children because, if we’re not careful, we can literally silence our own children if they ever find themselves a victim of sexual assault.

For starters, may I suggest that if you have never personally experienced a sexual assault, then please know that you really do not know what you are talking about.  Secondly, it is absolutely 100% irrelevant whether or not penetration happened, or what actual sex act occurred.  IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!    It does not matter whether someone only violated someone with their hands, with their mouth or any part of their body or even another object.  When someone is touched, groped, exposed, penetrated or any other sexual act, it is still a sexual assault.  Yes, I realize that there are different levels of violence and abuse and of course some victims experience horrific violations, however, please know that no one can rate the level of harm someone experiences from their sexual assault.  It’s not something that can be measured.  It’s not something that can be compared.

I have literally heard sexual assault survivors demean Dr. Ford’s experience because it wasn’t as “bad” as their's or because Dr. Ford does not have a memory of everything as perhaps another sexual assault survivor has.  I cannot even fathom anyone who has been through any type of sexual assault ever reducing the pain or the believability of another sexual assault survivor because their experiences were different.

I have heard parents talk about Dr. Ford putting herself in a compromising position.  I have seen people post, once again, pictures of girls dressed seductively, with the caption that if you don’t want it, don’t advertise it.  Are you kidding me?  Let me explain to you what children and women and even men hear when you say and post such things.  Let me explain the dangerous, dangerous message that we send to our children when they hear us discussing such explanations for a sexual assault.

1. When you talk about what people were wearing before they were assaulted, your children hear you saying:  Are you sure it’s not your fault?  Yes, the perpetrator(s) should not have done what they did, but perhaps if you were dressed differently, you would not have appeared that you wanted to be assaulted against your will.  Your dress sends a message that you are wanting to be held down, against your will and that even if you say “No,” you don’t mean “No” because like I said, you were dressed in a way that announced, “You really wanted it.  So in the end, this is really your fault.
   
2. When you talk about that Dr. Ford should not have been at a party with boys who were drinking beer when she was only 15, your children hear you saying:  When you are somewhere that you shouldn’t be, you can’t be upset when someone decides to take advantage of you and molest you, even if you didn’t want it.  Yes, sexual assault is wrong but what did you expect when you go where teenagers are drinking beer?  Haven’t I always told you not to be where there’s alcohol.  This is really your fault.
3. When you talk about that if Dr. Ford was telling the truth, she would be able to remember where she was, how she got home, etc. then your children and other sexual assault victims hear you saying:  The only way I’m going to believe you about your assault is if you can tell me every detail.  I need to know the time, the place, who else was there, describe the room, describe the house, etc.  If you don’t remember these details, then you must be making this up because who would forget these details if a traumatic event had happened?

Parents, these kind of remarks are so dangerous because God forbid your child end up the victim of sexual assault. You are contributing to their silence.  And, this is a crime that when suffered in silence, the pain can rob you of joy, of healthy relationships, of peace.  When suffered in silence, it can lead to depression, anxiety, suicide and other mental health challenges.  What do our children need to hear us say? 

"Honey, if you ever find yourself a victim of a sexual assault, I don’t care what you were doing, where you were, what you were wearing, who you were with that you weren’t supposed to be with, what was going on there regardless of how legal or appropriate, what rules you were violating or even if you made the stupidest decision of your life, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN TELL ME.  I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU!"

Now parents, of course we’re going to teach our children I hope to dress in a way that shows respect for themselves and others, but not for the reason of not being raped, but for the purpose of self respect.

Of course, we’re going to teach our children to avoid situations that could put them in harms way to the best of their ability because this will contribute to their safety and happiness.

Of course we’re going to teach them the dangers of underage drinking, drug use, going to parties where alcohol is being served, etc. etc.  But I got news for you, your children are NOT always going to make good choices.  They are going to screw up.  They are going to make stupid stupid choices sometimes because they are children.  If they feel like if they make a stupid decision and something happens to them, that they can’t tell you because they will get in trouble because of where they were or what they were doing, then guess what, they will not tell you. If they feel like they won’t be believed because the person was a trusted family friend or a relative or someone that their family loved or perhaps they don’t remember the details then they will not tell you.   

If they are afraid that they will be judged because they didn’t scream or they didn’t run or they didn’t tell anyone for a long time, then they will not tell you.  Parents you have to ask yourself, if your child was assaulted, would you want to know?  Would you want to walk the path of healing with your child? Would you want to get them professional help if needed?  Would you want your child to believe that they can move forward from this type of pain and find happiness again?  If you want to be a part of that, then they have to tell you.  What are you telling them today, to make sure that they know you are a safe person to tell?

Please stop with your judgements. Please stop saying what sounds reasonable or unreasonable to you what a victim would or would not do or know.  Even if you have been through it yourself, your experience is not their experience.  Please just listen and learn and have compassion on one another.

Business Etiquette 101— A Professional Seeks to Make Things Right Immediately

We all make mistakes.  Quite often it seems.  A professional however, is quick to acknowledge their mistakes and tries to make things right, as quickly as possible.  This behavior requires courage, humility and a commitment to ethical practices.

I think we’ve all experienced working with those who have an endless supply of excuses and a fervent determination to avoid responsibility.  I hope this is not us.  It really is a matter of integrity.  Someone with integrity is honest in all things and that means that they are also honest with themselves and others regarding their performance or lack thereof.

I’m not suggesting that we go around announcing to the world each day all of our failures or weaknesses.  No, not at all.  But what I am suggesting is that we take responsibility for our own actions without blame, without deterrents and without a desire to deceive in any way.

Let’s say that I was responsible for getting a financial report to my boss for a large project coming up and it was due by today at 5:00pm.  I “dropped the ball” on a few things and the report is not ready by 5:00.  Some people, who lack professionalism might:

• avoid their boss for the remainder of the day so they are not confronted with the missing report.
• blame the delay on information that has not been received from others that is necessary for the report (knowing that it was their fault because they didn’t ask the other people for the information until yesterday).
• blame the delay on untrue circumstances like illness, family emergencies, etc.

I think you get the point.

While, someone with integrity might  say to their boss, 

• “I know you’re going to be disappointed in me, but it looks like I did not plan well and have let this deadline slip up on me without the report being completed.”
• “I am not going to be able to have the report to you by 5 which I am extremely sorry for, but will have it to you by 5 tomorrow.  I have had to reanalyze my production schedule and have made some changes so that I can keep my commitments to you in the future.  I hope you will give me another chance.  I’m really sorry.”

I think you get the point.

Being honest and ethical does not guarantee job security.  But it does guarantee a clear conscious, honor and self respect.  May each of us acknowledge quickly our mistakes and then recommit to improvement.

Business Etiquette 101--A Professional Does Not Make Unofficial Complaints

Let me ask you a question, “Do you enjoy working with or spending time with those that habitually complain?”  I already know your answer.  Have you ever noticed that when people start complaining, they typically do not start my asking, “Hey do you all mind if I just unload my life right now onto you, so you can carry some of it too?”  But, they should!  That’s what’s happening right?

A professional does not complain, ever.  Now before we get all knotted up inside, let me add…a professional never makes unofficial complaints.  An unofficial complaint is simply complaining with no purpose other than to “let off steam,” build our own support for our anger or to tear down the ones we are complaining about.  On the other hand, an official complaint is when we are unhappy or unsatisfied with the functioning of a team, project, policy etc, yet we have a solution of how to make it better.  If we have a solution for improvement, then we have an official complaint.

We handle official complaints by taking them to our superior and asking permission to share our idea.  If our superior does not respond in a way that is satisfactory to us, then we must decide whether or not to take our official complaint to the next person in the chain of command.  We can do this, once we have informed our superior that we are doing so.

A professional knows the difference in official and unofficial complaints.  A profession remembers that everyone has a right to come to work and just work, focusing on the job at hand.  Yes, of course we all have personal and professional stressors that we need to discuss with others at times, but we should be extremely careful about how and who we relay these frustrations.  Work is not the place to unload unofficial complaints about the job, our spouse, our co-workers, the weather, etc.  

Let’s make sure that you and I are contributors to the positive energy in our place of work and let’s make sure that we do not distract from the job at hand.  Have a great month.

For information regarding Business Etiquette Training for your staff, please email Monica at: monica@TheEtiquetteFactory.com