Self Control...A True Etiquette Principle

Hello Friends.  I would like to discuss a skill that all gentlemen and ladies should strive to possess…that of self-control.  

Self-control is an attribute that requires one to consciously make an effort to be in control of one’s emotions, actions and speech.  

We all know people who have little self-control.  They are the ones who “blow their tops” rather quickly, get easily “rattled” and “put their foot in their mouth” very often.  I hope this isn’t us.

When we consider that we want to raise our children believing that they are not a victim to circumstances or helpless to physical appetites or pleasures, we might want to examine if we live our own life in a way that exemplifies this belief system.  

Here are some self-checks to consider:

• Do we find ourselves often being blamed for other’s hurt feelings?  If so, we might need to ask someone we trust, love and admire to be honest with us by asking, “Am I rude?  Do I sound condescending or judgmental when I speak to others?  If you were to advice me on one thing that you thought would help me if I changed in my conversation with others, what would it be?”  Then, be courageous enough to hear and act and thank your friend who loves you.

• Do we find ourselves angry at least once per day?  How about once per week?  Either of these amounts is a sure sign that we are struggling with understanding and controlling our emotions.  Studies show that people who get angry more often are more unhappy.  You might be saying, “Duh?”  However, here’s something to consider.  We choose to be angry.  No one forces you or I to ever become angry.  It’s a choice.  And when we choose it, we are choosing unhappiness.

• Are we a slave to a bad habit?  Do we have to have an alcoholic drink each day to “calm our nerves” or relax us?  Do we have to have our coffee in the morning or we have no way of being responsible for our grouchiness, sleepiness or lack of focus.  I could go on but the simple truth is this.  If you need outside unhealthy habits to keep you going, you are allowing something other than yourself to be in control of you.

Choose to be an example that your children can look to in all things, even in self control.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Let’s offer Everyone the Same Rights

This great country that you and I are privileged to live in is a gift, a gift to be cherished, protected and honored.  As ladies and gentlemen, it is our duty to demonstrate to others through our actions and our words that we respect and honor their rights, opinions, beliefs and the guiding principles that they live by.

I know we talk about this often, but it seems to be a topic that further discussion and exploration is always needed.  Most of us have come to believe certain ideas and principles to be true.  We’ve reached these beliefs through our upbringing, our life experiences and often research and study.  Thank goodness we are in charge of our own brains.  If you’re like me, you want to be allowed to believe what you believe and not be judged, ridiculed or persecuted assuming that our beliefs and actions do not place the safety of those around us in jeopardy.  

Please allow me to give you an example of a “hot topic” issue to illustrate my larger point of this consideration.  Example–– if you want to believe that marriage is only between a man and a woman, then you must also allow others to believe that marriage is between any two people, regardless of gender.  If you support that marriage is between any two people, regardless of gender, than you must also allow others to only support that marriage is between one man and one woman based on their beliefs.  Yes, you absolutely can speak of your beliefs and try to persuade others to come to the knowledge of the truths that you believe, but you must do so only by acting in love, patience, kindness and understanding.  

We all want the same rights to act upon our own beliefs, but so often, we try to eliminate the rights of others through legislation and other methods, simply because we do not share their beliefs.  We personally attack those who do not share our beliefs by using terms such as bigot, self righteous, judgmental, closed-minded, etc.  

We have a system in this great country in order to make change.  We allow our voice to be heard through our vote, through contacting our representatives, by protesting and teaching and giving information and all of these are acceptable practices in trying to bring about change.  

Ladies and gentlemen use the appropriate methods to give support to your causes and speak, speak loudly, but do so without insulting those you disagree with you.  

We must do all we can to protect the rights of the innocent, the rights of individual freedom and the right for all to pursue happiness.  No apology is necessary for believing the way you do, but respect for those who do not share your beliefs is required for every lady and gentleman.

Showing Value to Others

Time...time is the equalizer for us all.  We’ve all been given time, some shorter than others but nevertheless this “time” is important, because what we do with our time is what determines our happiness, success, and future.

Watching the recent events in Paris have caused me to ponder again the lack of knowledge of so many on the value of human life.  This lacking value system is vas and complicated but truly we can do our part to influence a better way, a better ideology by showing those we come into contact with that we do indeed value them and all human life.  How do we do it?  We start here.

We start by living our lives in a way that shows value to others.  

That’s what etiquette is all about, remember.  Etiquette is an outward demonstration of how we feel about others.  It’s NOT a list of do’s and don’ts that we “check off” and when we do we can announce that we have good etiquette.  It’s an inner belief that others should be placed above ourselves.  When we do this, we give ourselves the most valuable and rewarding gift that can be given, self respect.

Today, show your children that you value them by setting down your phone, moving away from your computer for an extended period of time and focus on nothing else but them.  Look them in the eyes, listen to their questions, find out how they are feeling today.

Today, show your spouse or companion that you value them by doing a small act of uninvited service for them.  What would make their day a little easier?  Maybe ironing their shirt, maybe fixing them a piece of toast and glass of orange juice, maybe helping them look for their briefcase.  Just do something that reminds them that you care, you love them and serving them makes you happy.

Today, show your colleague that you value them by asking them about something that you know they are concerned with, whether it’s their wayward son, a big account, their stock portfolio, etc.  It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as they know that we were listening last week when they shared just for a moment something that was bothering them and we remember.

Today, show the stranger at Starbucks or the stranger you pass on the street that you value them by smiling and saying, “Good morning.”  Just something to show them that you see them, they are not invisible and you care.

It starts small.  May we never miss an opportunity to show others that we value them.  It’s the only way to be valuable.

Have a great month!

Very best,

Monica Irvine 

Guarding Against a Condescending Tone & Words

The deal with “Condescending”

I want to talk about a topic that I think we as parents need to guard against...speaking with a condescending tone to our children (or anyone for that matter, because our children are listening).  

The definition of condescending is: having or showing a feeling of patronizing (believing that we are more intelligent or better than others) superiority. 

Basically, it’s really a “slap” in the face.

Let me describe the unspoken or spoken messages we are sending to whom we are speaking to when we use condescending language or tone.  They are:

I can’t believe you would be stupid enough to say (do) that!

Surely you don’t really believe that is true?

Do you literally have no idea regarding consequences?

I however, would never do (say) such a thing.

I am never guilty of such an offense.

and the list goes on.

Here, allow me to give you a few examples:

Child helping dad wash the car.  Dad looks at the front where child has washed and says, “Really!!  So I guess you think bugs on the car is considered clean!”  What does child hear?  “You are so stupid that you can’t even get bugs off the car.  I can’t believe that’s the best you can do.”  Instead, Dad could have said, “Hey man, yeah that front is tough to wash.  Let me show you a little trick I use to get those nasty bugs off.  Let’s see if it works for you too.”  Difference...child now wants to do better, instead of feeling humiliated.

Mom is helping child write a paragraph for English class.  Child is mis-spelling words and failing at making complete sentences.  Mom says, “Honey!  I can’t believe you’re misspelling simple words.  You should know these.  This doesn’t even make sense.  I thought you already learned what makes a complete sentence.”  What does child hear?  You fail at writing so why try.  Instead, Mom could have said, “It took me a while to figure out the difference between the different ways to spell “there”.  Let me draw a picture for you to see if it helps.....”  Difference...instead of child becoming exasperated due to the multiple corrections, the child can feel accomplished when they understand the one grammar rule thus leading to confidence to move on to second rule.

Parents, let’s watch our tone.  

Speaking with compassion and respect to our children creates a greater desire to learn and obey.  If our children hear negative “unspoken” messages too often or for too long, then we will have no one to blame but ourselves when we hear our children speaking this way to others and when our relationship with them as adults is not what we would hope.  

Start today.

Monica Irvine

Funeral/Memorial Service Etiquette

Yes, I understand this is not going to be our favorite topic but really, it’s necessary.  Allow me to give an example of why.  Recently, I attended a memorial service for someone and it was really lovely.  There were many in attendance which I’m sure was so appreciated by the family.  When I arrived, the line was quite long to visit with the family to give condolences.  Typically, a long receiving line at a memorial service should not be a matter of concern, as the line should move very quickly. However, this line moved extremely slow.  I soon realized that visitors were spending 5-8 minutes with the bereaved.  This was entirely too long.

Why?  Because it is exhausting for the family to greet so many people, both physically and emotionally.  This is not the appropriate time to “catch up” on the latest news regarding your family.  It is a time to simply give a smile, a hug or a handshake and express with brief but sincere words our condolences.  For instance, “Martha, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I love you and I love your family and know that my thoughts and prayers will be with you during this difficult time.”  Then move on.  If we have a more intimate relationship with the bereaved, then perhaps we can offer our condolences in a more familiar manner, but it should still be very brief.  Due to the length everyone was taking with this family, funeral attendants had to get chairs for the wife of the deceased because her legs were giving out and the service started one hour late.

Perhaps in the coming weeks after a “passing,” we could reach out to the bereaved and visit them in their home for a more lengthly visit.  

A few more things to remember:

• Our dress should reflect our feelings for the deceased (flip flops, revealing attire, t-shirts, baseball caps, etc. are not appropriate)
• Please be on time.  If there is a “service” immediately following the “receiving of friends,” then plan on arriving at least 45 minutes prior to the time of the service starting.  Often times, family is removed from the room to rest and have a break up to 30 minutes prior to the service so if you wait too long, you may miss them
• Bringing children to a funeral or memorial service is entirely appropriate if they can sit quietly for extended periods of time.  It would be very inappropriate to allow children to roam around the room unattended.  They should stay at the side of their parent or other adult family member.
• Please speak reverently at all times within the walls of the service area.  Sometimes, it’s difficult to remain quiet because often at funerals we see people we haven’t seen in years and there is a bit of excitement over these sweet reunions.  However, we must remain respectful and reverent for those who are in mourning.

As with all things, let’s teach our children these important etiquette considerations so they like us, can send a message to those around them that we care and we value them.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Certified Etiquette Educator

Manners Mean Moderation

We are becoming an excessive society.  What do I mean?  I mean...”When will it be enough?”  I think back to my grandparents who lived a very simple life.  They were happy and content with their two bedroom house, because that’s all they needed.  They had a garden, they both enjoyed various hobbies and they spent a lot of time together.  Today, we struggle to ever be satisfied.  We always want a bigger house, a nicer car, more stuff, more exotic vacations, to be skinnier, to have fewer wrinkles, and the list goes and goes and goes.

Let me share an etiquette rule that might help with this.  “A lady and a gentleman are always content with what they have, yet they continuously strive for self improvement and sincere service to others.”  Wow.  Content.  Have we ever felt content?  

Being content does not mean that we don’t strive for improvement or that we don’t have goals, plans and dreams.  It simply means that we do not dwell on what we do not have, but find great joy and peace as we recognize what we do have.  

This is a literally a skill that can be taught and must be taught to our children if they are every going to be truly happy.

So many of us spend too much time thinking that if we only could get “x” then we would be happy or if “this” would happen we would finally find peace or as soon as I get “that” paid off I will finally be free.  People, we have to learn to appreciate today and the moments we are in.  Be present.  Stop going “over the top” with every idea.  Don’t become an extremist with your exercise, your diet, your work, your politics, etc.  When you do, the other things in your life, mainly your family, suffer for it.  I promise you, they do.

Help your children to be present.  Talk often about the things that you appreciate.  Let me give you some examples that help our children learn how to find joy in today and to keep wants and wishes in perspective.  Allow them to hear you say things like; 

• “Wow, would you look at that sky.  Let’s pull over so we can just take it all in.  How blessed we are to have such a beautiful world.”
• “Oh my, aren’t we so fortunate to have a house with an air conditioner to save us from this hot day.”
• “Isn’t it so wonderful that we don’t have to go to bed hungry.  We have so much to be grateful for.”
• “I love spending time with you.  There’s nothing that makes me happier than spending time with my children.  Thank you.”

Order the small size, offer the best piece to others,  leave at least 2 days/nights a week that nothing is on the schedule for anyone, slow down, use moderation and teach your children to be grateful.  

A lady and a gentleman show grace by being grateful.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine

Lack of Respect for Sacred Things

If we’re not careful, we are going to raise a generation who do not understand respect for sacred things.  Recently, I was at a Memorial of an event that took place on American soil where many innocent lives were lost.  I was really shocked to see several people and children behaving very inappropriately on such sacred ground.  Parents were allowing their children to run and jump while laughing and screaming.  Teens were busy taking “selfies” while smiling and laughing in front of monuments.  Adults had their cellphones ringing with loud obnoxious ring tones.  I was thinking...”What are we thinking?  How have we become so flippant about such sacred things?”

Parents, we must do better.  We have got to be better examples and help our children to understand the value of life, sacrifice, loss, honor, respect, sacredness.  

It starts when they are very young.  It starts by the way we teach them to use hushed tones and quiet behavior when visiting sacred places.  And just because a place is not sacred to us, does not mean we don’t show respect to those who do view it as sacred.  That’s what respect is.  It means showing that we value the feelings of others through our behavior and words.

Also recently, a young teen received thousands of “hate mail” messages after she posted a “selfie” of herself smiling in front of the ruins of a War World ll concentration camp.  She had no idea that posing and smiling in front of such a horrible reminder of so much pain was inappropriate.  

Once we loose sight of honoring our history, of honoring our heritage and honoring places that others view sacred or holy, then we truly will have become an uncivil society.  

This must be an ongoing conversation with our children.  Start by taking your children to places that represent history and beforehand, study about what took place there, so that they can try to grasp why we visit it and why it is important to remember these people and places that helped shape our world.

A society in danger of loosing their way is a society that is quick to forget the past.  I hope we can all make a better effort in making sure that we pass on to our children a love and admiration for sacred things and may we all be humble enough to understand the importance of it.

Have a great month,

Monica Irvine